Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Please Critique

  1. #1

    User Info Menu

    Default Please Critique

    Hello Drumchat, I have recently written out a batch of original lyrics and would appreciate any feedback. I will write it out in its original poem form instead of song form
    .................................................. .................................................. .

    THE TREK - BY ZAC PULAK

    As the mist clears
    As do the shadows
    Ghostly Forms
    Appear
    From the heavens above

    The oaths were taken
    Holiness forsaken,
    A new age began

    The remnants of a society
    Their nomenclature remains,
    Hinting at our faults
    Actions, they were detained

    For Ages, The Trek
    For Ages, The Trek

    At the breast of the lake
    They threw down the stake
    An age of so called enlightenment
    An ironic shadow is cast

    Is knowledge such a sin?
    Passed down through our kin
    A bite stolen

    For Ages, The Trek
    For Ages, The Trek

    The age of industry
    The cogs of war began turning
    Our civilization
    Begins it's burning

    For Ages, The Trek
    For Ages, The Trek

    We reflect,
    A Doppler shift
    Our visions skewed
    Our purpose null and void
    .................................................. ..............................................

    Thank You.
    DRUM NAKED!

    I Tried To Think Of Something Insightful, But This Is All That Came To Mind...


    -PerpetualFrog

  2. #2

    User Info Menu

    Default

    I dig it!

    It's ambiguous enough for each new reader (or listener I suppose) to have his/her own interpretation of it, but with a definite 'epic' feel.

    The only thing I'd suggest is checking the metre - how will it work when a singer has to sing it? At which point, you might want to cut or add a syllable here and there.

    It's also the first time I've seen the word 'nomenclature' used in song lyrics.

    Kick-arse!!!

  3. #3

    User Info Menu

    Default

    Cool, thanks for the kind remarks,
    I'll keep the -
    The only thing I'd suggest is checking the metre - how will it work when a singer has to sing it? At which point, you might want to cut or add a syllable here and there.
    - in mind
    Last edited by PerpetualFrog; 03-28-2007 at 11:25 PM.
    DRUM NAKED!

    I Tried To Think Of Something Insightful, But This Is All That Came To Mind...


    -PerpetualFrog

  4. #4

    User Info Menu

    Default

    I'd really like to hear that with a melody, great lyrics. IMHO it has kind of an Iron Maiden feel to it........ But that's just me.

  5. #5

    User Info Menu

    Default

    Any More Suggestions/Ideas/Advice?
    DRUM NAKED!

    I Tried To Think Of Something Insightful, But This Is All That Came To Mind...


    -PerpetualFrog

  6. #6

    User Info Menu

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by PerpetualFrog
    Any More Suggestions/Ideas/Advice?
    Make sure it has a 96 bar guitar solo!

  7. #7

    User Info Menu

    Default

    Make sure it has a 96 bar guitar solo!
    Sure RD I'll keep that in mind!
    DRUM NAKED!

    I Tried To Think Of Something Insightful, But This Is All That Came To Mind...


    -PerpetualFrog

  8. #8

    User Info Menu

    Default

    I'm so helpful.

    Seriously, nice lyrics.

  9. #9

    User Info Menu

    Default

    wow..thats some pretty awesome stuff there..i am trying to write a song as well...but its not going too hot..cuz i have no experience. About your song (im saying this with absolutly no song writing experience watsoever), the lyrics are really good..the only thing is some of the words might be too complicated..or fancy for a rock type song..u know with those common country folk..lol thats all. good stuff

  10. #10

    User Info Menu

    Default

    Its going to be more of a progressive metal/rock sound, I don't know if that changes anything? But, thanks for the review.
    DRUM NAKED!

    I Tried To Think Of Something Insightful, But This Is All That Came To Mind...


    -PerpetualFrog

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •