CLEAN Jokes

[LudwigLifer]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand new BMW comes out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver,a young man in a new Brioni suit,Gucci shoes,RayBan sun glasses and YSL tie,leans out the window and asks the cowboy,"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man,obviously a yuppie,then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,"Sure,why not?"

The yuppie parks his car,whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cellphone and surfs to a NASA page on the internet where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite which scans the area with an ultra-high-resolution photo.The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,Germany.Within mere seconds,he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and,after a few minutes,receives a response.Finally he prints out a full color,150 page report on his high tech,miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"Thats right.I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the man,"Hey if I can tell you exactly what your business is,will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a minute and says,"Yeah, why not?"

"Youre a Congressman for the US government," says Bud.

"Wow! Thats correct",says the yuppie,but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy."You show up here even though nobody called you,you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked.You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are,and you dont know a thing about cows,"...

"This is a herd of sheep,now give me back my dog."

[LudwigLifer]

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.From morning till night she was always complaining about something.The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.-He tried to plow a lot.-One day,when he was out plowing,his wife brought him his lunch in the field.He drove the oldhttp://www.drumchat.com/newreply.php?do=newreply&noquote=1&p=362293 mule into the shade,set down on a stump and began eating his lunch.Immediately,his wife began nagging him again.Complain,nag,complain,nag,it went on and on.

All of a sudden,the old mule lashed out with both hind feet and caught her smack in the back of the head.Killed her on the spot.

At the funeral several days later,the minister noticed something rather odd.When a woman mourner would approach,he would listen a minute then nod his head in agreement;but when a man mourner would approach him,he would listen a minute and shake his head in disagreement.This was so consistent the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.So after the funeral,the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he always agreed with all the women but always disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said,"Well,the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was,so Id nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?",the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[LudwigLifer]

A Blonde girl was trying to put together a puzzle on the kitchen table and was having a real hard time with it so she thought she would ask her husband if he would help her.

"What seems to be the problem?",he said from the other room.

"I just cant seem to get any of these pieces to fit,its suppose to be a Tiger,like the one in the picture on the box."

When her husband reached the table and inspected her problem he said,"Honey,thats no puzzle,give it up and put the Cornflakes back in the box."

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A girl once told me."I love my Blonde boyfriend,but when he started clapping after I tuned my guitar,I knew he wasnt the marrying type."

[LudwigLifer]

Jacques and Pierre saw an ad in the news paper for a wood cutter and a pilot for the big lumber company in the next town.

Jacques said to Pierre,"Mahbee we apply fo dees job eh?We work in deh wood long time as keeds!" "Ya!Ya!Good tinking",said Pierre.So they went to the yard boss and asked for the jobs.

The yard boss said,"Which one of you is the wood cutter?" To which Jacques replied,"Hi ham deh wood cut-ter.Hi cut many wood long time.Hi ham fas too,you should see deh wood chip fly tru deh hair when I cut deh wood!"

"Good,good!" said the yard boss."And what about you?I take it you must be the pilot.How long have you been a pilot?"

To which Pierre answered,"Hall deh time."

"All the time?What do you mean all the time?Certainly you werent born knowing how to pilot?"

"Has soon as Jacques cut deh wood,I pilot."

[LudwigLifer]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby and the bus driver says,"Thats the ugliest baby I have ever seen!UGH!"

The woman goes to the back of the bus and sits down fuming.She syas to the man next to her,"That bus driver just insulted me!"

The man says>"You go right up there and tell him off-go ahead,Ill hold your monkey for you."

[LudwigLifer]

Attending a wedding for the first time,a little girl whispered to her mother,"Why is the Bride all dressed in white?"

The mother replied,"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment then said,"So why is the groom wearing all black?"

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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.The first boy says,"My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,he calls it a poem and they give him $50!"

"Thats nothing," says the second boy."My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,he calls it a song and they give him $100!"

The third boy says,"I got you both beat.My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

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An elderly woman died last month.Having never been married,she requested no male pall bearers.In her hand written instructions for her memorial service.she wrote,"They wouldnt take me out while I was alive and I dont want them to take me out when Im dead."

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A police recruit was asked during the exam,"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered,"Call for backup!"

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,included human beings.Little Johnny seemed especially intent as they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adams ribs.Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill and she said,"Johnny whats the matter?" Little Johnny responded,"I have a pain in my side.I think I am going to have a wife."

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Two boys were walking home from Sunday School after hearing a strong preaching on the Devil.One said to the other,"What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied,"Well,you know how Santa Claus turned out.Its probably just your Dad."

[BallywalterBeats]

Nice work LL, I'll see what I can muster...

[NoiseInMotion]

A guy walks into a bar.

Ouch.

[Constinator25]

Pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel down his pants.

Bartender asks, "hey, what's up with that?"

Pirate says, "ARRRR I don't know, but its DRIVIN ME NUTS!!!

[BallywalterBeats]

...ok I'll give it a go...

It was Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding one that would feed al the family.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said “Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

“No” he replied, “They’re all dead”.
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My boss stormed up to me in the office today and said
“You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?”

“Not particularly” I replied.
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A man goes for a job and gets one of those questions...
Interviewer: So what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Graduate: Single Malt Whiskey.
...he didn't get the job.
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My Visa card was stolen two months ago but I don’t want to report it. The guy who took it is using it less than my wife!
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I'm out.

[Drumbledore]

WARNING: If you're Irish, do not read this joke..ohh, go ahead then LOL...

There was an Irish guy, Mick, who decided to try his luck across the Irish Sea and went to to England to look for work. So there he was, his first port of call, literally, in Liverpool, down at dockyards. He finds an old boat and decides to board when he came face to face with the crusty old sea-dog of a captain. Unknown to Mick, the captain just loathed Irishmen and was thinking of a way to be rid of him.

Mick: "Oi happen to be lookin' for work, you got any jobs goin' on yer foine boat here?
Captain: "Work? Hmmm, I'm not too sure..."
Mick: "Oh Oi'm sure you can put me to some use down yer galley, Oi'm not a bad cook. Or in yer engine room, Oi have me certifications...."
Captain:"Oh a handy guy, eh? Ok....may have a job fer ya....BUT...first, I've got a riddle fer ya t' solve. If yer get it, job is yours".
So the captain gets out this old rope out of one of the boxes on the deck.
Captain: "See this here rope, I want yer to find FOUR ends of that rope...." He threw it to Mick with a chuckle. Mick holds up one end.
Mick: "That be one end, roight?"
Captain: "Aye, ok".
Mick then held up both ends.
Mick: "And that be two ends, roight?"
Captain: "Uh huh...so??"
Mick: "And one end and two ends, make three ends, roight?"
Captain: "Yer daft bugger, I asked yer to find four ends, four!!"

Mick then threw the rope into the Mersey River.
"And that be the end of the rope, so one end plus three ends make four ends then, roight sir?"

He got the job.

[nio]

Here are some good ones:

She was so blonde that...

...She thought a quarterback was a refund.

...She managed to trip over my cordless phone.

...On the bottom of the job application where it said 'Sign Here' she wrote 'Aquarias'.

...She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...She told me to meet her on the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

...She tried to place a bag of M&M's in alphabetical order.

...She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...She took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept.

...When she got an AM radio, it took her 10 month to figure out she could use it at night.

...She spent 25 minutes staring at the Orange juice box cos it said - "concentrate"

[Drumbledore]

The famous archaeologist Howard Carter made a little-known discovery at the entry King Tut's tomb.....the door unbelievably had a door bell. Next to it was a sign in hieroglyphs which he couldn't decipher, so he got his expert from the Cairo Museum to come in and have a look.
When the expert had a look, he was doubled over in laughter, leaving Carter puzzled as to what was funny. When he stopped laughing, the little Egyptian man said, "Well, Mr Carter, my friend, it seems the Boy-King did have a sense of humour after all. And only he could have gotten away with it".
"Why, what does the sign say?"

"To enter, Tut-An-Kham-In"

[Drumbledore]

God was talking to Adam in the Garden Of Eden one day about what He wanted Adam to to the next day....y'know, feed the animals, cut the grass, don't let the snake talk alone to Eve about apples, stuff like that when Adam said:

"Hey that reminds me.....why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
"So that you'd love her. Why, is there a problem with that, Adam?"
"No, no.....no problems Big Fella. But why'd you make me so dumb?"
"So that she'll love you, ya silly bugger!"

[Drumbledore]

Owing to inflation, 50 Cent's new name is gonna be Buck Twenty-Five. And Nickelback are changing their's to Quarterback.

[Drumbledore]

What you call a four piece band where the singer, drummer, guitarist and bassist keep losing limbs?

The Red Hot Chili Lepers.....

[LudwigLifer]

What do you cal 4 lepers in a hot tub?

Soup.

[LL70]

good ones!

I was wondering why the frisbie looked bigger as it got closer, then it hit me...

[pastor_bob]

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

[LudwigLifer]

FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE.......
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best! Football FINALLY makes sense...........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'


'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

[Drumbledore]

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that's funny!!

[NoiseInMotion]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?" The horse doesn't respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English. It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.

Saw that on my news feed a few minutes ago. Lol'd my butt off

[LL70]

One day a duck was about to cross the road ~ When out of nowhere a chicken came running up and said NO Don't Do It!~ You'll Never hear the end of it!

[Drumbledore]

Whaddya call an Irish Rastafarian's hair-do?

Padlocks....

[Drumbledore]

A sinner dies and goes to hell, where, upon his entrance, the Devil appears and says "Hahahahaha...puny human, I'm gonna chain you to a rock for all eternity, after I've sliced your tongue off and submerged you in boiling oil, we'll cut your liver out and feed it to the vultures as you writhe in pain for all eternity....hahahaha!" The poor guy drops to his knees and says..."Please please please, I'll give all that I have up if you can please find it somewhere in your heart to not damn me to the Fiery Pit for all eternity!" The Devil then says "Very well", and with a wave of his fingers, the man disappears in a cloud of smoke and then reappears in another part of Hell.

"Hahahahaha...puny human, you're now in Communist Hell....I'm gonna chain you to a rock for all eternity, after I've sliced your tongue off and submerged you in boiling oil, we'll cut your liver out and feed it to the vultures as you writhe in pain for all eternity....hahahaha!" The guy is in a state of fear and says "Oh no I'm in Hell still?" When the new Devil goes "Yes, but this is Communist Hell, it's a little different..." the man asks....

"Oh? What's the difference?"

The Communist Devil replies "...well, in Communist Hell...sometimes we don't have chains, sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives to cut you open or vultures...you're lucky that the rock is there still...."