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Thread: CLEAN Jokes

  1. #26

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    Ok, this is lame, but when I heard my 8 year old nephew say it, it sounded heaps funny....

    A guy goes into the doctors surgery and says:
    "Doctor, I have this problem where I can't tell if I'm a tee-pee or a wigwam"

    The doctor says:
    "Oh, there's nothing to worry about here....you're just too tense"
    Tama Rockstar & Paiste User and Abuser......

  2. #27

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    Quote Originally Posted by spesman View Post
    Ok, this is lame, but when I heard my 8 year old nephew say it, it sounded heaps funny....

    A guy goes into the doctors surgery and says:
    "Doctor, I have this problem where I can't tell if I'm a tee-pee or a wigwam"

    The doctor says:
    "Oh, there's nothing to worry about here....you're just too tense"
    That has almost the same punchline as another joke that I know... I will not post it because it is NOT family friendly in any way.
    - Zack

  3. #28

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    Quote Originally Posted by spesman View Post
    Ok, this is lame, but when I heard my 8 year old nephew say it, it sounded heaps funny....

    A guy goes into the doctors surgery and says:
    "Doctor, I have this problem where I can't tell if I'm a tee-pee or a wigwam"

    The doctor says:
    "Oh, there's nothing to worry about here....you're just too tense"
    I like that one too. It's a cute joke.
    Quoting gonefishin: Just have some bacon with ya when you go pick her up..........youre an instant chick magnet.





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  4. #29

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    A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

    The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

    "Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

    Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

    The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

    The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

    The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

    Pearl Session Series 5 pc Drum Set
    Paiste 14" 502 hi hats, 16" 502 crash, 18" 2002 medium crash, 20" 502 ride, 10" PST5 splash, 8" 2002 chime
    LP Cowbell, 6" Toca tambourine

    "The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."

    You can't have too many Paiste 2oo2's... that's always been my policy. - Dave Wilson

    Back from a Dr. appointment. I'm still kickin' I WIN - Bish

  5. #30

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    Quote Originally Posted by LL70 View Post
    A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

    The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

    "Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

    Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

    The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

    The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

    The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"
    Hehe....gotta remember that one!
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  6. #31

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    Two cannibals were sitting around one day, one turns to the other and says..."You know, I gotta stop eating clowns, they're starting to taste funny...."
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  7. #32

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    Quote Originally Posted by Constinator25 View Post
    Pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel down his pants.

    Bartender asks, "hey, what's up with that?"

    Pirate says, "ARRRR I don't know, but its DRIVIN ME NUTS!!!
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    Doesn't even sum up how much i laughed
    So itchie, how did the kick sound?
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    like godzilla humping a mountain
    Quote Originally Posted by CycleDude View Post
    You, my friend, owe me a keyboard... I just spit coffee all over mine...
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  8. #33

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    Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

    Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

    God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behaviour or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."

    Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

    God said, "An arm and a leg..."

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >

    >



    Adam thought for a few seconds.....then said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
    "The problem with information on the Internet is that you can not validate it's authenticity. " -Abraham Lincoln

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  9. #34

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    A boy and a pedophile are walking into the woods together. It is getting dark outside and the boy takes the pedophile's hand and says 'hey Mister...I'm scared'. The pedophile looks back at the boy and says 'you're scared...I have to walk out of here alone'.

    I know...I know...a sick joke. At least it is clean.

  10. #35

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    A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

    "Hey, do you know we have a drink named after you?"

    And the grasshopper says:

    "What....Kevin?"
    Tama Rockstar & Paiste User and Abuser......

  11. #36

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    Why'd the first koala fall outta the tree?
    Because it was dead.
    Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
    First one fell on top of him.

    Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
    Peer pressure......



    How did the kangaroo die?





    Three bloody koalas fell on his head and killed him, THAT'S why!!!
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  12. #37

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    Why did god make ducks feet flat.







    to put out forrest fires






    why did god make Elephants feet flat..







    to stomp out burning ducks.
    We Have nothing to fear but Reefs and Pirates

    I tried taking life seriously, didn't much like it so now what I take seriously is living

  13. #38

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    Quote Originally Posted by spesman View Post
    Ok, this is lame, but when I heard my 8 year old nephew say it, it sounded heaps funny....

    A guy goes into the doctors surgery and says:
    "Doctor, I have this problem where I can't tell if I'm a tee-pee or a wigwam"

    The doctor says:
    "Oh, there's nothing to worry about here....you're just too tense"
    That reminds me of a joke an old lady told me once.How do you get a handkerchief to dance? Put a little boogie in it.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    T.C.

  14. #39

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    Quote Originally Posted by Drumbledore View Post
    Why'd the first koala fall outta the tree?
    Because it was dead.
    Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
    First one fell on top of him.

    Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
    Peer pressure......



    How did the kangaroo die?





    Three bloody koalas fell on his head and killed him, THAT'S why!!!

    How do you get a one armed Pollock out of a tree?
    Wave to him.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    T.C.

  15. #40

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    Three women are at a house, one redhead, one brunette, and one blonde.

    A genie appears and says the women can say anything, but if they tell a lie, they disappear.

    The redhead says, "I think I am the smartest woman ever," and she disappears.

    The brunette says, "I think I am the most beautiful woman on Earth," and she disappears.

    The blonde says, "I think-" and she disappears.

    Pearl Session Series 5 pc Drum Set
    Paiste 14" 502 hi hats, 16" 502 crash, 18" 2002 medium crash, 20" 502 ride, 10" PST5 splash, 8" 2002 chime
    LP Cowbell, 6" Toca tambourine

    "The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."

    You can't have too many Paiste 2oo2's... that's always been my policy. - Dave Wilson

    Back from a Dr. appointment. I'm still kickin' I WIN - Bish

  16. #41

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    A young guy from Saskatchewan moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
    The manager says,"Do you have any sales experience?"
    The kid says,"Yeah.I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan."
    Well,the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
    "You start tomorrow.I`ll come down after we close and see how you did."
    His first day on the job was rough,but he got through it.After the store was locked up,the boss came down.
    "How many customers bought something from you today?"
    "Just one",says the kid.
    The boss says,"Just one?Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.How much was the sale for?"
    "The kid says,$101,237.65."
    The boss says,"$101,237.65?What the heck did you sell?"
    The kid says,"First I sold him a small fish hook.Then I sold him a medium fish hook.Then I sold him a larger fish hook.Then I sold him a new fishing rod.Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,so I told him he was going to need a boat,so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.Then he said he didn`t think his Honda Civic would pull it,so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
    The boss said,"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
    The kid said,"No,the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said,Dude,your weekend`s shot.You should go fishing."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    T.C.

  17. #42

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    Teachers are going to love this one!

    At Penn State University,there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far.These four friends were so confident that,the weekend before the finals,they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.They had a great time but,after all the hearty partying,they slept all day Sunday and didn`t make it back to Penn state until early Monday morning.

    Rather than taking the final then,they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.As a result,they missed the final.The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.The guys were excited and relieved.They studied that night for the exam.

    The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.They quickly answered the first problem worth five points.Cool,they thought!Each one in separate rooms,thinking this was going to be easy...then they turned the page.On the second page was written...

    For 95 points:Which tire?_____
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    T.C.

  18. #43

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    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,"Your hearing is perfect.Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

    The gentleman replied,"Oh,I haven`t told my family yet.I just sit around and listen to the conversations.I`ve changed my will three times!"
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Two elderly men from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says,"Slim,I`m 83 years old now and I`m just full of aches and pains.I know you`re about my age.How do you feel?"
    Slim says,"I feel just like a newborn baby."
    "Really!?Like a newborn baby!?"
    Slim says,"Yep.No hair,no teeth,and I think I just wet my pants."
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    An elderly couple had dinner at another couples house,and after eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.The two men were talking,and one said,"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.I would recommend it very highly."
    The other man said,"What is the name of the restaurant?"
    The first man thought and thought and finally said,"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?You know...The one thats red and has thorns."
    "Do you mean a rose?"
    "Yes,thats the one",replied the man.He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,"Rose,whats the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    An old man was telling his neighbor,"I just bought a new hearing aid.It cost me four thousand dollars,but its state of the art.Its perfect."
    "Really", answered the neighbor."What kind is it?"
    "Twelve thirty."
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Morris,an 82 year old man,went to the doctor to get a physical.Afew days later,the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous woman on his arm.A couple of days later,the doctor spoke to Morris and said,"You`re really doing great arent you?"
    Morris replied,"Just doing what you said doc:Get a hot momma and be cheerful."
    The doctor said,"I didnt say that.I said,you`ve got a heart murmur;be careful."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    T.C.

  19. #44

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    Why did the priest step into the house with a jump rope and some dumb-bells?

    He was exorcising ghosts.
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  20. #45

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    How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Two, one to change the bulb and one not to change the bulb.
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  21. #46

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    This skinny wimpy little guy walks into a biker bar and asks,"Who owns the black chopper with the human skull on the handle bars and the big dog tied to it?"
    Everyone looks as this huge hairy biker covered in tattoos bellows out,"I do,what of it!"
    The skinny guy says,"Im sorry mister,but Im afraid my dog just killed your dog."
    "WHAT?" hollers the biker,"Your dog killed my dog?The meanest,ugliest,most undefeated dog in all of this state?What kind of dog do you have?"
    The skinny guy says,"A chihuahua."
    "HA,HA,HA!",booms the biker."There is no way a chihuahua could kill Fang!"
    "Im sorry sir,but you see,your dog choked to death on my dog."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    T.C.

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