Reply With QuoteEnglish politician Geoff Hoon is affectionately nicknamed 'Buff' by his colleagues.
Re: any clean good jokes
Hope some do not offend anyone, not my intention
CONFUCIOUS SAYS
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!
Last edited by Pearl MCX Man; 06-16-2015 at 10:31 AM.
Re: any clean good jokes
English politician Geoff Hoon is affectionately nicknamed 'Buff' by his colleagues.
Re: any clean good jokes
BWAH HA HA HA HA HA !!!! Ah HA HA HA HA!!!!Originally Posted by eric vaxxine
(I don't get it.....)
Stolen from EddieV:
Boom, ching, boom boom ching, fuggadugga fuggadugga fuggadugga crash. Rinse, Repeat ad-nauseum.
Come on Mark. You steal copy. Just look at your signature.
Re: any clean good jokes
Tony and Luigi,two very good friends,would meet everyday a 5 o'clock for drinks at the local bar.
Never early ,never late.
So it's 5 o'clock ,no Luigi,5:15 no Luigi.
Toni is worried ,but finally at 6 o'clock,Luigi shows up driving a large black limo.
Tony asks ,hey Luigi,where you been?
Well.it's like a this,I'm a walking here to meet a you ,a women pulls up in this big black limo,opens the door ,takes off all of her clothes and says,take a what a you want!
I take a the limo,the clothes no fit.
FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes
Re: any clean good jokes
A family of moles. Papa, mama and baby mole are in their hole. Papa sticks out his head and says " I can smell honey". mama mole stick out her head and says" I can smell maple syrup" baby mole who tries to stick is head out of the hole couldn't because the mama and papa mole are in the way. baby mole says " I can smell mole asses ".
Re: any clean good jokes
-Mike
Re: any clean good jokes
The squirrel one got me!
Last edited by FlyByNight; 07-05-2015 at 11:54 PM.
-Mike
Re: any clean good jokes
Glad you got a laugh out of it man. Some are pretty funny
Re: any clean good jokes
Enjoy a good laugh lol
Last edited by Pearl MCX Man; 07-04-2015 at 03:52 PM.
Re: any clean good jokes
Don't mess with us old guys.
A very self-important college freshman was attending a recent football game. He took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him, why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said. The young people of today grew up with television jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and ...” pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.......so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****head, what are you doing for the next generation?"
Re: any clean good jokes
A LOT of wisdom here.
=Phyllis Diller remarkable funny Lady and her famous quotes = = = = =
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
The reason the pro-golfer tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
Last edited by Pearl MCX Man; 08-03-2015 at 02:49 PM.
Re: any clean good jokes
My doctor has cured me of talking in my sleep. He's told my wife
to let me get a word in edgeways during the daytime.
Re: any clean good jokes
What do you call a thousand attorneys at the bottom of a lake?
A good start!
ZildjianLeague/LP/Aquarian/Mapex/Pearl
Snares: 4
RIP- Frank, Wolvie, Les Paul
if double bass is cheating then so is using two sticks
Forum Rules
DrumBum
No metronome?
The Rudiments
Re: any clean good jokes
not really a joke but Guitar Center made my dung list again. The story goes like this, yesterday i found an Aquarian Regulator 24" reso on their website advertising "clearance" for $24.97!
Thinking too good to be true I called the store and asked "24in Aquarian Regulator". The guy told me it was $45. I told him I found it online in clearance. He said print it out and we'll price match it.
So right after work I high tail it all the way up to Duluth, GA a good 38miles at least from where I am to get to the store. I asked about the head and the guy said he had it behind the counter. I slap down the plastic and look over the head. Looks brand new but it's a 22. I ask for the 24 ........
"oh my bad man, that was all me, I just grabbed the box, man I'm sorry....
in my head i'm thinking "you" while he puts the money back on my card.
end of joke
Last edited by slinky; 08-30-2015 at 06:31 AM.
RDM/Damage Poets
UFiP TAMAHA Zildjian
REGAL TiP
AQUARIAN
Re: any clean good jokes
One from my granddaughter.....Where does the snowman keep his money? A snow bank������������������
Re: any clean good jokes
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'
“I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.”
Re: any clean good jokes
Well Gilles the way I feel, that guy I dealt with is the joke and also the dept manager that had to do a 5 min loud solo on a kit that was sitting next to the register.
If I would've seen some sound offs I would've thrown em to him. I kept cool although wanted to yell "Hey A-Hole! nobody can talk over that crap you're doing"
Last edited by slinky; 08-30-2015 at 09:58 AM.
RDM/Damage Poets
UFiP TAMAHA Zildjian
REGAL TiP
AQUARIAN
Re: any clean good jokes
A man goes to the Doctors, completely wrapped in clingfilm.
The Dr says, " I can clearly see your nuts".
Re: any clean good jokes
Puns for the Educated Mind
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be
an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a
weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into
it.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says
'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at
least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Re: any clean good jokes
oh lord some of those were so funny and some soooo cheesy hahaha but enjoyed them all
Re: any clean good jokes
I may have posted these awhile back
The First time I heard about paraprosdokian, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them)
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Re: any clean good jokes
A drunk man staggers up to a passerby and says " Where ish th' other shied of the road?"
The passerby says " it's over there".
The drunk replies "Shanks, some fool shent me over here".
Re: any clean good jokes
Q: What did George Washington say to his wife ?
A: "Shut up, Martha."
Re: any clean good jokes
What's the difference between a speed bump and a lawyer?
Most people slow down before running over a speed bump.
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