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Thread: Any Clean Good Jokes?

  1. #501

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    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers arts
    in the New York City public school system. All teachers were
    reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

    1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
    started to dig.

    2. I would not allow this student to breed.

    3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

    4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

    5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
    achieve them.

    6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to
    hold it all together.

    7. This child has been working with glue too much.

    8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

    9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

    10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

    11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat
    out 1,000,000 others.

    12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

  2. #502

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    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments
    were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

    1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
    went through."

    2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
    stretch after you wear them a while."

    3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
    certificate a worthless document."

    4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

    5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
    speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

    6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
    write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

    7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
    it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

    8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
    again or I'll give you another ticket."

    9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
    drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

    10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
    go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
    poop."

    11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

    12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National
    Crime Information Center )

    13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

    14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
    allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

    15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
    of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

    AND THE WINNER IS....

    16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
    don't.. Sign here."

  3. #503

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    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    The Worst Day Of My Life!


    There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
    "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
    "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

    "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."

    "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

  4. #504

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    Default Re: Any Clean Good Jokes?


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