Any Clean Good Jokes?

[eric vaxxine]

What do you call a Spanish guy who has had his car stolen?

Carlos

[Pearl MCX Man]

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:*

*Men Are Just Happier People --*

*What do you expect from such simple creatures?*

*Your last name stays put.*

*The garage is all yours.*

*Wedding plans take care of themselves.*

*Chocolate is just another snack...*

*You can never be pregnant.*

*You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.*

*You can wear NO shirt to a water park.*

*Car mechanics tell you the truth.*

*The world is your urinal.*

*You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one
is just too icky.*

*You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.*

*Wrinkles add character.*

*Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.*

*People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.*

*New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.*

*One mood all the time.*

*Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.*

*You know stuff about tanks.*

*A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.*

*You can open all your own jars.*

*If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.*

*Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.*

*Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.*

*Everything on your face stays its original color.*

*The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.*

*You only have to shave your face and neck.*

*You can play with toys all your life.*


*One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.*

*You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.*

*You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.*

*You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.*

*You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25
minutes.*

*___________________________________*

[Pearl MCX Man]

*Men Are Just Happier People*

*NICKNAMES*

*If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.*

*EATING OUT*

*When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.*

*When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!*

*MONEY*

*A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.*

*A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.*

*BATHROOMS*

*A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.*

*The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.*

*ARGUMENTS*

*A woman has the last word in any argument.*

*Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.*

*FUTURE*

*A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.*

*A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.*

*MARRIAGE*

*A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.*

*A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.*

*DRESSING UP*

*A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.*

*A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.*

*NATURAL*

*Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.*

*Women somehow deteriorate during the night.*

*OFFSPRING*

*Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.*

*A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.*

*THOUGHT FOR THE DAY*

*A married man can forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing!*

[Pearl MCX Man]

WORDS Can be fun





1. I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.



2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.



4. I, for one, like Roman numerals.



5. I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn’t want to interrupt her.



6. People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.



7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.



8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.



9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.



10. I haven’t slept for three days, because that would be too long.



11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself “This changes everything.”



12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.



13. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.



14. I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.



15. I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”



16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.



17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.



18. People say I’m condescending. That means i talk down to people.



19. You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.



20. Whiteboards are remarkable.



21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

[Pearl MCX Man]

*
These where to good to keep to myself

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ:

*We will heel you

*We will save your sole

*We will even dye for you.



*Sign over a Gynecologist Office:

*"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.


*In a Podiatrist's office:

*"Time wounds all heels.



*On a Septic Tank Truck:

*Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



*At an Optometrist's Office:

*"If you don't see what you're looking for,

*You've come to the right place.



*On a Plumber's truck :

*"We repair what your husband fixed.



*On another Plumber's truck:

*"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.



*At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

*"Invite us to your next blowout.



*On an Electrician's truck:

*"Let us remove your shorts.



*In a Non-smoking Area:

*"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.



*On a Maternity Room door:

*"Push. Push. Push.



*At a Car Dealership:

*"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.



*Outside a Muffler Shop:

*"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.



*In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

*"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!



*At the Electric Company:

*"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.

*However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.
...

[8beat]

I saw a garbage truck, it had a sign that read "satisfaction guaranteed or twice your garbage back".

[Pearl MCX Man]

What do you call a Frenchman running after a garbage truck ?

The Galloping Gourmet.

[Bish]

[SpazApproved]

Why did little jimmy drop his ice cream cone?


Because he got hit by a bus....

Poor little Jimmy




to much?

[Bish]

[inthpktplayer]

Guy goes to the doctor's office to get a colonoscopy. Upon entering the exam room, he asks the doctor where he should put his pants. Doc says, "Right over there next to mine."

[Pearl MCX Man]

WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

A LEXOPHILIAC of course!


How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'm
sure I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

[Pearl MCX Man]

19 Clever Words


1. ARBITRAITOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage

3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through

4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do

5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist

6. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate

7. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

8. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living

9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money

10. HEROES
What a man in a boat does

11. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower

12. PARADOX
Two physicians

13. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm

14. POLARIZE
What penguins see through

15. PRIMATE
Remove your spouse from in front of TV

16. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring

17. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife

18. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does

19. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official

[Pearl MCX Man]

Due to considerable reader demand here are some more Tommy Cooper one liners.

Yes, he was brilliant.....

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts..'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'


16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'


18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


19.. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

'
20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the nigh

[NikoSeven]

Love it!

[NikoSeven]

Literally laughing out loud! Thank you, I desperately needed some laughter in my life right now.

[Pearl MCX Man]

Glad it made you laugh Niko. I try to post as much of the funny stuff that I can without annoying anyone cause some are very touchy here.

[NikoSeven]

Lol,, that is sick humor but very funny for some reason!

[Pearl MCX Man]

Blonde Helping a Trucker

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that
have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble”

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

[Pearl MCX Man]

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

4. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.

4. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

5. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!”

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

3. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people

[Markadiddle]

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought


Sounds like Southern California. And ya, it's pretty accurate!

[Pearl MCX Man]

Paraprosdokians.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

[Pearl MCX Man]

Points to ponder.





1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.



2. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.



3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.



4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.



5. Don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive.



6.You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.



7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.



8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.



9.I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are just missing.



10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.



11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.



12. God must love stupid people. He made so many of them.



13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.



14. Consciousness : that annoying time between naps.



15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?



16.Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it.



17. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.



18. Procrastinate Now!



19. I have a degree in liberal arts. Do you want fries with that?



20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.



21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.



22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!



23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.



24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.



25. A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up three thousand times the memory.



26. Ham and eggs - a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.



27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.



28.The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.



29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.



Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!



Have a Great Day!

[Pearl MCX Man]

Low interest rates


Bloody hell, our incomes have crashed, we only get 2% on fixed deposits, our superannuation is stuffed, Turnbull and Morrison are running round looking up their arses for things to tax/save for the upcoming budget. Woe, woe, this monetary situation is hitting everybody really hard.


Things couldn’t be much worse:




Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Toorak fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Germans was caught sneaking into Syria

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Texdrumr]

Freaking hilarious, MCX.