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Thread: any clean good jokes

  1. #26

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    What did the Zero say to the number Eight?








    Nice belt.

  2. #27

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    What's the definition of perfect pitch?

    When you can throw away a cheap, nasty and badly made copy of a guitar straight into a large dustbin without touching the sides.
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  3. #28

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    The other day, my ol' mate John had popped over just as I had finished up one lesson over here. Ever since high school days, both he and I have had a slightly skewed sense of humour, and get him around for a BBQ, he and I would spin jokes and humourous stuff, cracking each other up until we have tears in our eyes. He, especially, is like that.

    So anyway, amongst our half hour of nonsense until the next student rocked up, we had this opening gambit....
    "What would MC Hammer call himself if he worked at a hardware store?"
    We came up with:
    MC Socket Wrench, MC Screwdriver, MC Set Square, MC Monkey Wrench, MC Trolley, MC Wheelbarrow, MC Garden Hose, MC Straw Broom, MC Tool Box, MC Ladder, MC Sidchrome Spanner, MC Powerboard, MC Tile Cutter, and a few others I can't remember.

    And then it morphed into:
    MC Hambone
    MC Hommous
    MC Hamlet
    MC Ham Sandwich
    MC Honky
    MC Himmler
    MC Hitler
    MC Hitchco.ck
    MC Hamper
    MC Hamster
    MC Hammock
    MC Hangar
    MC Ham, Cheese, Tomato
    MC Humid
    MC Hummer

    ...and so forth
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  4. #29

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    What does a 300 pound canary say?
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    ..
    TWEET TWEET

  5. #30

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    ZildjianLeague/LP/Aquarian/Mapex/Pearl
    Snares: 4
    RIP- Frank, Wolvie, Les Paul
    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    I wish I was your wife
    Quote Originally Posted by amdrummer View Post
    if double bass is cheating then so is using two sticks

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  6. #31

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    What do you get when you cross a canary with a lawnmower?


    Shredded tweet....
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  7. #32

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    Quote Originally Posted by areFish View Post
    What did the Zero say to the number Eight?








    Nice belt.
    For days I was trying to figure out what this had to do with the belt then all of a sudden it hit me OK I get it.

  8. #33

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    Quote Originally Posted by Drumbledore View Post
    The other day, my ol' mate John had popped over just as I had finished up one lesson over here. Ever since high school days, both he and I have had a slightly skewed sense of humour, and get him around for a BBQ, he and I would spin jokes and humourous stuff, cracking each other up until we have tears in our eyes. He, especially, is like that.

    So anyway, amongst our half hour of nonsense until the next student rocked up, we had this opening gambit....
    "What would MC Hammer call himself if he worked at a hardware store?"
    We came up with:
    MC Socket Wrench, MC Screwdriver, MC Set Square, MC Monkey Wrench, MC Trolley, MC Wheelbarrow, MC Garden Hose, MC Straw Broom, MC Tool Box, MC Ladder, MC Sidchrome Spanner, MC Powerboard, MC Tile Cutter, and a few others I can't remember.

    And then it morphed into:
    MC Hambone
    MC Hommous
    MC Hamlet
    MC Ham Sandwich
    MC Honky
    MC Himmler
    MC Hitler
    MC Hitchco.ck
    MC Hamper
    MC Hamster
    MC Hammock
    MC Hangar
    MC Ham, Cheese, Tomato
    MC Humid
    MC Hummer

    ...and so forth
    Drumbledore, when I get together with my brother, we laugh from almost the time I get there, to the time I leave. When my brother's father-in-law is with us, the kind of thing that happened with your friend frequently breaks out with us. There's nothing better than a good laugh!
    Quoting gonefishin: Just have some bacon with ya when you go pick her up..........youre an instant chick magnet.


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    Cool Drummer T-shirts and Drum Accessories!

  9. #34

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    For days I was trying to figure out what this had to do with the belt then all of a sudden it hit me OK I get it.
    Tap tap tap, is this thing on? Thank you folks! I'll be in the Cabana Room all week.

  10. #35

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    What type of movies do pirates like?

    Rated R!!!

  11. #36

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    What goes....black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white, before spinning around and crashing into the floor?








    A penguin stuck in a revolving door.
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  12. #37

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    Talking Re: any clean good jokes

    NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN

    One morning,the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing a decides to take a nap.Although not familiar with the lake,the wife decides to take the boat out.She motors out a short distance,anchors,puts her feet up and begins to read her book.
    The peace and solitude are magnificent.
    Along comes a Fish and Game warden in his boat.
    He pulls up alongside the woman and says,"Good morning Ma`am.What are you doing?"

    "Reading a book",she replies,(thinking isnt that obvious?Like,heres your sign by Jeff foxworthy)

    "You`re in a restricted fishing area",he informs her.

    "Im sorry officer but Im not fishing,Im reading".

    "Yes,but I see you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.I`ll have to take you in and write you up".

    "If you do that I`ll have to charge you with sexual as sault",says the woman.

    "But I haven`t even touched you",said the Game Warden.

    She said,"Yes thats true but you have all the equipment...for all I know you could start at any moment".

    The Warden just says,"Have a nice day Ma`am",and he left.

    MORAL:
    Never argue with a woman who reads,its likely she can also think.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    T.C.

  13. #38

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    Exclamation Re: any clean good jokes

    [B]THE TINY CABIN[B]

    A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had seen in all of her life.Intrigued,she walked up and knocked on the door.

    "Anybody home?",she asked.

    "Yep",came a kids voice through the door.

    "Is your father there?",asked the social worker.

    "Pa? Nope he left before Ma came in",said the kid.

    "Well,is your mother there?",persisted the social worker.

    "Ma? Nope,she left afore I got here",said the kid.

    "But",protested the social worker,"are you never together as a family?"

    "Sure,but not here",said the kid through the door.

    "This is the outhouse!"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    T.C.

  14. #39

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    How can you tell that there is a singer at your door?

    They don't have the key and they can't come in on their own.

  15. #40

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    Billy Connelly told this clean joke once.

    "I was watching the Olympics once, live at a stadium, and this guy....just comes walking by me wearing a vest....and some shorts, carrying a long stick. I said to him:

    "Hey, are you a pole vaulter?"
    He replied "Nein, I'm German, but how did you know my name vas Valter?" (Walter)
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  16. #41

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    Talking Re: any clean good jokes

    AMAZING GRACE

    As a Bagpiper I play many gigs.Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.He had no family or friends,so the service was to be at a pauper`s cemetery in the Corryong back country.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods,I got lost and,being a typical man,I didnt stop for directions.I finally arrived over an hour late and saw that the funeral bloke had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating their lunch.I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late.

    I went to the side of the grave and looked down.The vault lid was already in place and dirt covered most of it.I didn`t know what else to do,so I started to play.The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends.I played like I never played before for this poor,homeless man.And as I played 'Amazing Grace',the workers all began to weep.They wept,I wept,we all wept together.

    When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.Though my head hung low my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car,I heard one of the workers say,
    "I ain`t seen nothin like that before and I`ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years".

    Apparently I was still lost...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    T.C.

  17. #42

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    What do you call ten guys in a drum circle?

    A dope ring.
    ZildjianLeague/LP/Aquarian/Mapex/Pearl
    Snares: 4
    RIP- Frank, Wolvie, Les Paul
    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    I wish I was your wife
    Quote Originally Posted by amdrummer View Post
    if double bass is cheating then so is using two sticks

    Forum Rules
    DrumBum
    No metronome?
    The Rudiments

  18. #43

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    This older farmer was nagged by his wife from the moment he woke up till he went to sleep. To get away from her he would take his mule and plow fields far from the house so he could avoid his nagging wife. One day he was sitting in the shade with his mule when all of a sudden his wife came out of nowhere nagging at him. The mule turned around and kicked her right in the head and killed her. A few days pass and the night of the wake the pastor noticed that when the women would talk to the farmer he would nod his head up and down with a smile but then he noticed that when he talked to the men he was shaking is head from side to side with an angry expression on his face. The pastor approaches the farmer and asks him what was going on you with the nodding and shaking of the head. The farmer replied well you see the women would compliment on how my wife looked real nice in her dress then the men asked if my mule was for sale.

  19. #44

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    What was Hitler's favourite Tears For Fears song?

    Everybody Wants To Rule The World
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  20. #45

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    A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
    ZildjianLeague/LP/Aquarian/Mapex/Pearl
    Snares: 4
    RIP- Frank, Wolvie, Les Paul
    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    I wish I was your wife
    Quote Originally Posted by amdrummer View Post
    if double bass is cheating then so is using two sticks

    Forum Rules
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    No metronome?
    The Rudiments

  21. #46

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    A "Cajun" was fishing on a river bank in Louisiana and had about 20 fish over the limit on his stringer. A Louisiana Game Warden walked up on him and said "What are you doing with all these fish? I'm going to have to take you in" The old Cajun said "Oh no sir, deese am my trained magic hunting fish" The Game Warden replied "Magic Hunting Fish?" "Oh yes sir" Replied the Cajun. "Ya see what I do is let deese fish go and dey russle up all da other fish and I can catch em I garontee! Just watch dis!" The Warden replied, "Lets see" The old Cajun looses the stringer, the fish all swim away, and he leans back and lights up a smoke. After about 10 minutes the warden says "Hey buddy, what about those magic hunting fish" The old Cajun looks up and says "What magic hunting fish?"
    Last edited by sonorkid; 06-09-2011 at 08:44 PM.
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  22. #47

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    My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, and someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
    ZildjianLeague/LP/Aquarian/Mapex/Pearl
    Snares: 4
    RIP- Frank, Wolvie, Les Paul
    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    I wish I was your wife
    Quote Originally Posted by amdrummer View Post
    if double bass is cheating then so is using two sticks

    Forum Rules
    DrumBum
    No metronome?
    The Rudiments

  23. #48

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    Red face Re: any clean good jokes

    A Canadian 'townie' (we'll call him Pierre...) decides to change his life-style and live like the pioneer trappers, up North. One spring, he moves to a log cabin, well away from the world, in fact the only log cabin for hundreds of miles around.
    Pierre thinks of the future, and decides to cut wood ahead of time for the rude winter. A few days of effort, a reasonable stack, and Pierre is satisfied.

    A few days more, and doubts start to trouble our new trapper. Will this be a light, normal, or hard winter? Is this enough wood for all eventualities? How to know..?
    Ahah..! There's an old Indian, Great Sulking Elk, who lives across the lake, through the forest, up at the top of the craggy mountain. He'll know for sure what the coming seasons hold in store..! Pierre decides to consult this wealth of native experience. So off he goes, across the lake, through the forest, up at the top of the craggy mountain. There is Great Sulking Elk, squatting before his rudimentary tepee. Pierre asks for advice as to the severity of the winter to come. "Hugh..!" Great Sulking Elk rises majestically to his feet, advances to a promontory, looks keenly (Indian-fashion, flattened hand shadowing his eagle-keen gaze...) to the North, to the South, East and then West... "Severe winter to come" he utters.
    Pierre is delighted, glad that he thought to consult. Back to his cabin (down the craggy mountain, through the forest, across the lake...), he immediately spends the next couple of days stocking up enough wood for a 'severe winter'...

    Mid-summer, a sudden thought strikes Pierre. This old Indian has lived in this region for all his life. Pierre has no experience to lean on. What constitutes 'severe' to Pierre may be quite different from 'severe' to an old Indian..! What did Great Sulking Elk mean by 'severe' exactly..? Once again, Pierre decides to clarify, by returning to see the wise man.
    After suitable preparation, Pierre goes across the lake, through the forest, up at the top of the craggy mountain. There is Great Sulking Elk, squatting before his rudimentary tepee, and Pierre asks again as to the 'severity' of the coming winter. "Hugh..!" Great Sulking Elk rises majestically to his feet, advances to the promontory, looks keenly (Indian-fashion, flattened hand shadowing his eagle-keen gaze...) to the North, to the South, East and then West... "Very severe winter to come" he utters.
    Once again, Pierre is delighted, again glad that he thought to consult. Back to his cabin (down the craggy mountain, through the forest, across the lake...), he immediately spends the next couple of days stocking up enough wood for a 'very severe winter'...

    Autumn comes, another thought strikes Pierre. From 'severe', Great Sulking Elk had changed his prediction to 'very severe'. Had things evolved since? Was there worse to come than already been foreseen? There is only one way to be sure, so again, Pierre decides to settle his mind, by returning to see the wise man.
    After suitable preparation, Pierre goes across the lake, through the forest, up at the top of the craggy mountain. Pierre finds Great Sulking Elk, squatting before his rudimentary tepee, and asks what the old man can foresee this time of the coming winter. "Hugh..!" Great Sulking Elk rises majestically to his feet, advances to the promontory, looks keenly (Indian-fashion, flattened
    hand shadowing his eagle-keen gaze...) to the North, to the South, East and then West... "Extremely severe winter to come" he utters.
    Although shocked to hear this, Pierre is again glad that he thought to consult. Back to his cabin (down the craggy mountain, through the forest, across the lake...), he immediately spends the next couple of days stocking up enough wood for an 'extremely severe winter'...

    Winter is nearly upon him. Pierre is now fully prepared, but upon reflection, decides that, although now fully informed, he has not really benefitted from the old Indians vast experience. He himself (Pierre...) was still incapable of judging the seasons. What were the signs that the Indian could read, that Pierre could not..? Before it was too late (winter is about to make travelling even more difficult...), Pierre prepares once more to visit Great Sulking Elk. So off he goes, across the lake, through the forest, up at the top of the craggy mountain. There is Great Sulking Elk, squatting before his rudimentary tepee.
    Oh Great Sulking Elk..! Please could you help me learn the secrets of your wisdom..? What indicates to you the coming seasons?
    "Hugh..!" replies the Indian. "Great Sulking Elk looks keenly to the North, to the South, East and then West..! Great Sulking Elk sees a distant log cabin. Every time Great Sulking Elk looks, Great Sulking Elk sees even more wood cut than before..! Winter must be more severe than last time Great Sulking Elk looked..."
    Have a nice day.
    Dad3353 (Douglas...)

  24. #49

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    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Sixty five: Forty two to sue the power company for failure to prevent the surge that took out the lightbulb in the first place, fourteen to sue the electrician who wired the house, and nine to sue the bulb manufacturer.
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  25. #50

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    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    A stutterer goes to the barber for a trim. As the barber starts his razor and goes across the guys head he ask how do you want it the stutterer says nnnnnnnnnnnot tttttttttoo sssssssshort.

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