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Thread: any clean good jokes

  1. #51

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    A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says "Doc, Doc, please help me. I'm convinced that I'm a dog!" The shrink replies, "Well, why don't you just get on the couch and we'll talk about it then."

    "Can't", says the guy "I'm not allowed on the couch."





    There once was this little pink lady. She had a little pink house, wore a little pink dress, and owned a little pink dog. This lady sold Avon.

    Now one day, she was walking down a street selling her Avon when she came across a little red house. She pressed the doorbell. In the little red house lived a little red man. He was having a bath in his little red bathtub when he heard his little red doorbell ring.

    "There goes my little red doorbell!" he said to himself as he leapt out of his little red bathtub. He grabbed his little red bath towel and put it around his waist and hurried down his little red stairs to his little red door.

    But....when he opened his little red door, his little red towel slipped and fell off. The little pink lady put her hand to her little pink mouth, screamed, and ran out across the street. A little blue car was hurtling down the road, the little blue man behind the wheel tried his best, slamming his little blue foot on his little blue brake, but too late, he hit the little pink lady and she died.

    The moral of the story? Never cross the street when the little red man is flashing.
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  2. #52

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    A guy walks into a bar...
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    ...OUCH!!!

  3. #53

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    Ok, here's a scenario for you. You're in the army when you get captured and they send you to a prison, where the prison cells are small square brick or stone rooms with no windows. The one door that lets you in or out is a big heavy steel door that you can't prise off it's hinges and is heavily locked from the outside. The cell has it's usual things....bed, lavatory, table and chair etc. How do you escape?

    Well, what you do is rub your hands until they get sore, really sore....you then...

    Take that saw and cut the table into half. So you have two halves, and they make a whole, right?

    You then jump through the hole and start yelling until you're hoarse.

    Once your horse comes to you, you jump on it and make your escape.

    Easy.
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  4. #54

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    A guy goes on a video dating site. Poor bloke didn't get much luck, as he'd let on he had a pretty bad personality problem that he couldn't control....he had it in his head that he was in fact a barbecue firelighter briquette.

    That is, until he met his perfect redheaded match....

    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  5. #55
    Larrysperf Guest

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    Husband buys his wife a new wiper snipper . Shes out in the yard having fun with it and all ovasudden her cat runs by and she snips its tail off so she takes it to Wal Mart because Wal Mart is the largest retailer in the world

  6. #56

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    whats the difference between a dead dog in the road, and a dead lawyer in the road??







    there are skid marks in front of the dog.

  7. #57

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    Quote Originally Posted by DamageDrummer View Post
    whats the difference between a dead dog in the road, and a dead lawyer in the road??

    there are skid marks in front of the dog.
    Which reminds me....

    What's the diff between a dead squirrel in the middle of the road and a dead trombonist in the middle of the road?




    The squirrel was on it's way to a gig.



    What's the difference between a soprano singer and a terrorist?

    You can negotiate with a terrorist.



    Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
    A bassoon burns longer.


    Why is an 11 foot concert grand piano better than an upright one anyday?









    Because they make a bigger KABOOM when pushed over a cliff, Wile E. Coyote style!
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  8. #58

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    2 old ladies are chatting away and one says to the other Mabell is that a "suppository" in your ear. Mabell replies for heaven's sake now I know where my earing aid went.

  9. #59

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    a mushroom walks into a bar
    bartender says "we dont serve your kind"
    mushroom replies "why not? im a fun guy"

  10. #60

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    Anyone know any Rick Allen jokes? (drummer from Def Leppard)
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  11. #61

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    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
    girlfriend yet.

    A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and
    talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel
    chair

    Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says
    how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is
    building up!"

  12. #62

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    Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
    ZildjianLeague/LP/Aquarian/Mapex/Pearl
    Snares: 4
    RIP- Frank, Wolvie, Les Paul
    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    I wish I was your wife
    Quote Originally Posted by amdrummer View Post
    if double bass is cheating then so is using two sticks

    Forum Rules
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    The Rudiments

  13. #63

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    How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?



    One, but the light bulb has to be willing to change.

  14. #64

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    What do you call a fish with no eyes?

    A fsh.

  15. #65

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    A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

    Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
    ZildjianLeague/LP/Aquarian/Mapex/Pearl
    Snares: 4
    RIP- Frank, Wolvie, Les Paul
    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    I wish I was your wife
    Quote Originally Posted by amdrummer View Post
    if double bass is cheating then so is using two sticks

    Forum Rules
    DrumBum
    No metronome?
    The Rudiments

  16. #66

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    Okay.....here we go....if you're a fanatical, dyed-in-the-cloth Def Leppard fan....kindly look the other way because it's RICK ALLEN JOKE TIME!!!!

    How do you tick Rick Allen off?
    Ask him if he's ambidexterous.

    Rick Allen and his roadie have a bit of a falling out and before they were winding up for the last show of their tour, Rick decides to fire him. How did the ex-roadie gain revenge?
    He set up Rick's entire kit left handed.

    How do you make Rick fall out of a tree?
    Wave to him and see if he waves back....oops, there he goes!

    How do you tick Rick Allen off during a TV debate?
    Conclude your team's arguement by saying " On one hand....blah blah blah...on the other hand blah blah blah...."

    Times are tough, even for rock stars who had made their fortunes selling out massive stadiums and sold platinum records. I saw Rick Allen down at the Sheffield Employment Office the other day, looking for a bit of part time work to suppliment his income. I saw him storm out of the office in a hurry though, swearing and cursing the young case-officer over there. She told him "there's a good job going as a handyman at a high school going, and he should grab the opportunity with both hands..."

    Rick Allen went to drum lessons with a well-known instructor that we cannot name. He stormed out of the lesson though. The guy teaching him absent-mindedly said that he needed to work on his open-handed technique a bit.....

    My wife's not talking to me at the moment.
    Oh? why not?
    She called me a right insensitive so-an-so.
    How come?
    Well, you know how she's a huge Def Leppard fan?
    Yeah. Did you guys go to the fan-base "meet and greet" backstage. It was Rick Allen's birthday.
    Yeah, and that's why she called me a slack so-and-so.
    How come?
    I bought him a wind-up watch....
    Last edited by Drumbledore; 07-10-2011 at 01:51 PM.
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  17. #67

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    Some of you may have seen this and some didn't
    Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

    His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

    The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

    The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

    The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

    His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

    His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

    The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

    The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

    The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

    The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

    The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

    The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

    An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

    The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

    A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

    And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

    I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!

  18. #68

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    Wasn't Vinnie Van Gogh's other sister called Gogh-Gogh Dancer?

    Then there's the reeeeallly old uncle.....Many Years A-Gogh
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  19. #69

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    Also his travelling father come and gogh

  20. #70

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    Confucius Says:

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who run in

    Front of car get tired..

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who run behind

    Car get exhausted.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man with one

    Chopstick go hungry..

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who scratch butt

    Should not bite fingernails.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who eat many

    Prunes get good run for money.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Baseball is wrong:

    Man with four balls cannot walk.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    War does not

    Determine who is right, war determine who is

    Left.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Wife who put

    Husband in doghouse soon find him in

    Cathouse.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    It take many nails

    To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who drive like

    Hell, bound to get there..

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who live in

    Glass house should change clothes in

    Basement.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Man who fish in

    Other man's well often catch crabs.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Crowded elevator

    Smell different to midget.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  21. #71

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    A friend of mine sent me this one....

    A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash".
    "Wow!!" said the granddaughter 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it??" Granny says with her last dying breath....."It's on my Facebook."
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  22. #72

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    I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger....then it hit me.

    Pearl Session Series 5 pc Drum Set
    Paiste 14" 502 hi hats, 16" 502 crash, 18" 2002 medium crash, 20" 502 ride, 10" PST5 splash, 8" 2002 chime
    LP Cowbell, 6" Toca tambourine

    "The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."

    You can't have too many Paiste 2oo2's... that's always been my policy. - Dave Wilson

    Back from a Dr. appointment. I'm still kickin' I WIN - Bish

  23. #73

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    A redneck want's to get a divorce, but wants to know if she will still be his sister.

  24. #74

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    Paddy O'Grady was pretty disaffected with the English running things in Ireland, so when WW1 broke out, this Irish ex-drummer fled Belfast's poverty and volunteered for the fledgling German air corps, and soon gained a fearsome reputation in aerial dogfighting above the trenchlines for all to see.

    He was soon known as 'The Red Bodhran'....
    Last edited by Drumbledore; 09-05-2011 at 02:53 AM.
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  25. #75

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    What do u call a baby apes bed?
    Ape-ricot

    Here's a music joke,hope you get it....what happens when you push a piano down a mine shaft?

    You get A-Flat miner......
    CURRENT SETUP-
    Sonic Drive 7 piece kit.
    2 up 2 down

    - Sabian AA Holy China 17"
    - Meinl classics custom extreme metal crash 18"
    - Sabian AA 16" crash
    - Zildjian Z custom 20" ride
    - Evans G2 heads
    - Pearl Demon Drive Double Pedal
    -Joey Jordison signature snare drum.

    Drummer For: *BAND HAS NO NAME YET*
    Genre:Metal/Screamo

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