Page 20 of 21 FirstFirst ... 1018192021 LastLast
Results 476 to 500 of 525

Thread: Any Clean Good Jokes?

  1. #476

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    Thanks Tex I wish more members would come into this page and get a good chuckle but I guess most are into their drums more lol.

  2. #477

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    Thanks Tex I wish more members would come into this page and get a good chuckle but I guess most are into their drums more lol.
    Hey I look in on this thread frequently ! Then I promptly steal the jokes and put them on my FB page . Then all my friends get a kick out of them as well .
    So....thank you for the yucks !
    Rudy .

  3. #478

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    Love that one. Ha ha thanks Gilles!

  4. #479

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by jedi View Post
    Hey I look in on this thread frequently ! Then I promptly steal the jokes and put them on my FB page . Then all my friends get a kick out of them as well .
    So....thank you for the yucks !
    Rudy .
    Aye Rudy steal all you want cause I steal them too and bring them here for you guys to enjoy or steal

  5. #480

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    You are welcome Oly but you only like one out of that bunch just kidding

  6. #481

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes


  7. #482

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes


  8. #483

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    65 Year-old Woman

    A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

    God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. “Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.



    She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

    After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

    Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"



    (You'll love this) God replied: “I didn't recognize you

  9. #484

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    A smile to bring some sunshine to your day famous quotes.



    Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have
    remained a virgin.'


    - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


    <><>


    I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'


    - Eleanor Roosevelt

    <><>


    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
    I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.


    - Mark Twain


    <><>


    The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
    and to have the two as close together as possible.


    - George Burns


    <><>


    Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.


    - Victor Borge


    <><>


    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.


    - Mark Twain


    <><>


    By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
    you'll become a philosopher.


    - Socrates


    <><>


    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


    - Groucho Marx


    <><>


    My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.


    - Jimmy Durante


    <><>


    I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.


    - Zsa Zsa Gabor


    <><>


    Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
    alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.


    - Alex Levine


    <><>


    My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.


    - Rodney Dangerfield


    <><>


    Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.


    - Spike Milligan


    <><>


    Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.


    - Joe Namath


    <><>


    I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.


    - Bob Hope


    <><>


    I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.


    - W. C. Fields


    <><>


    We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.


    - Will Rogers


    <><>


    Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.


    - Winston Churchill


    <><>


    Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
    fall out, or spread out.


    - Phyllis Diller


    <><>


    By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.


    - Billy Crystal


    And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
    may nothing but happiness come through your door.

  10. #485

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    I was going to tell a joke about cymbals but I think you all have heard it a zildjian times...
    Kevin
    DW Performance series - Gun Metal Metallic Lacquer
    24/12/16 6.5x14
    Sabian AA/AAX hi-hats & crashes
    Sabian HHX Evolution ride

    Drummers can be very tempomental.....

  11. #486

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    What happens when did vicious joins Bananarama? Bana-anarchy in the UK

    Wanna hear a joke about Nirvana? Nevermind

  12. #487

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    Marriage is sharing

    The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

    He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife .

    He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

    He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

    Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

    As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

    People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
    sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..

    Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

    Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

    She answered



    'THE TEETH.'

  13. #488

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    An oldie ,but goodie.
    Two Italian fellows Toni and Giuseppe would meet everyday on the same street corner at 5 PM and walk home together.
    Never early,never late and very punctual.
    So it's 5 PM and Toni shows up and no Giuseppe.
    5:10,no Giuseppe.
    5:30,no Giuseppe.
    So finally at 6 ,Giuseppe shows up driving a large black Cadillac.
    Toni asks Giuseppe where' he's been.
    Giuseppe replies well,I'm on may way here and this women drives up in this big black Cadillac,opens the doors ,takes off all of her clothiers and says take what you want.
    I take the car ,the clothes no fit.
    Last edited by pgm554; 03-11-2017 at 06:17 PM.
    FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes FibesFibesFibesFibesFibesFibes

  14. #489

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    An 90 old woman was arrested for shoplifting a can of peaches. Standing in front of the judge he says to her
    " Why would a woman your age steal a can of peaches?"
    Your honor she replies " I was hungry".
    Judge trying to figure out what kind of punishment he would give a woman of 90.
    He asks her " How many peaches where there in the can"
    She replies " 4 your honor"
    Judge says
    " Well I think I will give you 4 hours in a jail cell to teach you a lesson.
    Mean while her husband sitting in the room raises his hand and says.
    " Excuse me your honor, may I say something in behalf of my loving wife?.
    Of course said the judge was is it?
    " Your honor she also stole a can of peas."

  15. #490

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    There were three kingdoms that were next to each other and there was one bit of land that was disputed among them. Wars had been fought over this land but the outcome was always the same. The territory remained in dispute. One day, the kings decided to settle this dispute once and for all. They decided on trial by combat. Each would send their best knight to do battle and the winner would get the territory.

    The first knight arrived at the field of battle around dusk with ten squires. He relaxed in his tent while the squires busied themselves setting up camp, making the evening meal, polishing the knights armor and sharpening his weapons.

    The second knight arrived with twenty squires and also relaxed while his squires did the same thing as those of the first knight.

    The third knight arrived with only one squire. The knight set about cleaning his own armor and sharpening his own weapons while his squire set up camp and made the evening meal. He made enough for breakfast the next morrow and he put the rest in a pot. He tied a loop in a rope, strung the rope between two trees and hung the pot in the loop so animals would not get to it.

    The next morning, the three knights met on the field of combat. They decided this combat was beneath them and decided to let their squires settle the issue. The squires all met and the next thing that could be seen was a cloud of dust and flying grass so thick that it obscured the battle field. When the dust settled only one squire remained standing. It was the one squire of the third knight. That is because the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

    Ba dum ching.
    Drumming is the best psychiatry.

  16. #491

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?


    Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.


    If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.


    I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.


    When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body … ...men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.


    A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


    Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? (Which ex, can you be more specific???) Lol!


    America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.


    You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. (Don’t I know it, but I would not change a thing.) Lol!


    Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?


    They said money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.

    If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments
    Last edited by Pearl MCX Man; 03-28-2017 at 11:42 AM.

  17. #492

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    Lighter moments.

    A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ:
    "We will heel you,
    We will save your sole,
    We will even dye for you."



    AT AN OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE:
    "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
    come to the right place."


    ON A PLUMBER'S TRUCK:
    "We repair what your husband fixed."


    On an Electrician's truck:
    "Let us remove your shorts."


    On another Plumber's truck:
    "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber"


    At a Car Dealership:
    "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."


    Outside a Muffler Shop:
    "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."


    In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
    "Be back in 5 minutes.
    Sit... Stay...


    At the Electric Company:
    "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
    However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.


    In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    "Drive carefully. We'll wait."


    In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
    "Best place in town to take a leak."


    Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck:
    "Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises."

  18. #493

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    That's was too funny! Thanks for the chuckle!!

  19. #494

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    Good stuff!! Keep 'em coming!!

  20. #495

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    An 90 old woman was arrested for shoplifting a can of peaches. Standing in front of the judge he says to her
    " Why would a woman your age steal a can of peaches?"
    Your honor she replies " I was hungry".
    Judge trying to figure out what kind of punishment he would give a woman of 90.
    He asks her " How many peaches where there in the can"
    She replies " 4 your honor"
    Judge says
    " Well I think I will give you 4 hours in a jail cell to teach you a lesson.
    Mean while her husband sitting in the room raises his hand and says.
    " Excuse me your honor, may I say something in behalf of my loving wife?.
    Of course said the judge was is it?
    " Your honor she also stole a can of peas."
    Bawhahaha! Can of peas...

  21. #496

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    My neighbor came over yesterday and said my dog had chased his kid on his bike .
    "No way !" I said..."I haven't taught Rover to ride a bike yet !"

    dob.jpg

  22. #497

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    Church Gossip

    Mildred, the church gossip, and
    self-appointed monitor of the church's morals,
    kept sticking her nose
    into other people's business.
    Several members did not approve of
    her extra-curricular activities, but feared her
    enough to maintain their silence.
    She made a mistake, however, when she accused
    Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic
    after she saw his old pickup parked in front of
    the town's only bar one afternoon.

    She emphatically told Frank (and several others)
    that everyone seeing it there
    would know what he was doing!
    Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a
    moment and just turned and walked away.
    He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

    He said nothing.

    Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his
    pickup in front of Mildred's house ...
    walked home .... and left
    it there all night.
    (You gotta love Frank!)

  23. #498

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    North Dakota Bank Robbery

    A hooded robber burst into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
    On his way out the door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off,
    revealing the robber's face.
    The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
    He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
    The robber instantly shot him also.
    Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
    The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
    There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.
    Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said,
    "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

  24. #499

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    IDIOT SIGHTING
    I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
    I said "May I have large bills, please".
    She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
    When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.

    IDIOT SIGHTING
    When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the
    keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
    to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

    His reply: 'I know, I already got that side. '
    This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

    IDIOT SIGHTING
    We had to have the garage door repaired.
    The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
    I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
    He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
    He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
    We haven't used Sears repair since.

    IDIOT SIGHTING
    My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
    Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
    She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give

    me a dollar bill back.
    She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
    I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
    The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
    Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

    IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
    My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
    She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
    He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
    From Kansas City

    IDIOT SIGHTING
    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put

    anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
    To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

    He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
    Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


    IDIOT SIGHTING
    The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
    I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
    I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
    Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
    She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

    IDIOT SIGHTING
    At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company

    due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

    Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
    This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

    IDIOT SIGHTING
    I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life,

    Couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
    A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.

    For all of us who are seniors...
    The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies,

    while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
    When babies poop in their diapers, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
    When old people poop in their diapers, the reaction Depends on who's in the will!

  25. #500

    User Info Menu

    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    RETIREMENT

    I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.


    Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

    You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

    I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

    I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

    Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

    The biggest lie I tell myself is…"I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

    I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

    Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

    If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

    Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

    Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

    Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

    At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

    I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
    I don’t have to go to school or work.
    I get an allowance every month.
    I have my own pad.
    I don’t have a curfew.
    I have a driver’s license and my own car.
    I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
    The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
    And I don’t have acne.


    Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •