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Thread: Any Clean Good Jokes?

  1. #301

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    Tama Rockstar & Paiste User and Abuser......

  2. #302

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    Talking Re: any clean good jokes

    QUOTES ARE FROM ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

    1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
    2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
    3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
    4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
    5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
    6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
    7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
    8. "He sets low personal standards an then consistently fails to achieve them."
    9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
    10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
    11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
    12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
    13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
    14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
    15. "He's been working with glue too much."
    16. "He would argue with a signpost."
    17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
    18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
    19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
    20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
    21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
    22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
    23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing,but the train isn't coming."
    24. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
    25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
    26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
    27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
    28. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
    29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
    30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
    31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
    32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

  3. #303

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    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by GoyaDrumr! View Post
    QUOTES ARE FROM ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

    1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
    2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
    3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
    4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
    5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
    6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
    7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
    8. "He sets low personal standards an then consistently fails to achieve them."
    9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
    10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
    11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
    12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
    13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
    14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
    15. "He's been working with glue too much."
    16. "He would argue with a signpost."
    17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
    18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
    19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
    20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
    21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
    22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
    23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing,but the train isn't coming."
    24. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
    25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
    26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
    27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
    28. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
    29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
    30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
    31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
    32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
    Reminds me of someone I know that works for the Government

  4. #304

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    How do you spot a vegan at a party?

    Don't worry, they'll tell you.
    Mapex Armory - Photon Blue
    Mapex VXB kit - Transparent Black
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    Paiste Alpha & RUDE cymbals
    Remo & Vater

  5. #305

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    I stumbled across this thread earlier and just spent 2 hours laughing (and even spitting cherry coke at one point). I thought I would resurrect the thread and add one of my own:

    A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
    “Magic beer,” he says.
    “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” The guy proceeds to show him: He drinks some beer, jumps off the roof, flies around the building, and returns to his seat.
    “Amazing! Lemme try some of that,” the man says. He grabs the beer, downs it, leaps off the roof, 
and falls 30 feet to the ground.
    The bartender shakes his head and says to the first guy, “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”



    "Well-behaved women rarely make history."
    -Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, 1976

  6. #306

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    My grandpa tells me about the time he was going to be a drummer for a band he showed up and they told him to beat it.
    Sabian!!!

  7. #307

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    Mommy, mommy the kids call me big nose at school. Now, now that is not true. Quit your crying and take this bed sheet and blow your nose.

  8. #308

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    What did the big bottle of syrup say to the little bottle of syrup? I Aunt Jemima
    Conrad

  9. #309

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    Do you know which concert tickets only cost 45¢ ?

    50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
    Last edited by BlueSky; 09-11-2013 at 12:57 PM.
    "Well-behaved women rarely make history."
    -Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, 1976

  10. #310

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    Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?


    A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

  11. #311

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    This young couple who were first time parents where thrilled when their son was born. He was perfect except for not having any ears.
    So they invited all their neighbours to see their bundle of joy.
    Their next door neighbours who happen to be the parents of the one and only "Johnny boy" LOL where invited. Johnny's fatrher warned him not to say anything regarding the baby having no ears and if he did he would get a good swat.
    They arrive at the newborn's house and everyone where gathered in the living room. The proud mother comes out with the baby and everyone were so awed at how beautiful the baby is.
    Johnny says " That sure is a beautiful baby you have "
    why thank you said the mother.
    "He has lots of hair, beautifull blue eyes and healthy looking "
    He sure does says the mother
    "By the way how is his eye sight"
    Doctor says he has 20/20 vision
    " That's nice to hear"
    Why is that Johnny?
    "Cause he would be screwed if he had to wear glasses"

  12. #312

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    Two blondes walk into a bar...... you think one of them would have seen it.
    Mapex Saturn 6 pc
    14x6 mapex stainless steel snare
    Zildjian,Paiste, Meinl
    DW5000 td4 double pedal

  13. #313

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    "The problem with information on the Internet is that you can not validate it's authenticity. " -Abraham Lincoln

    SILVERFOX DRUMSTICKS & SOULTONE CYMBALS Endorsing Artist.

  14. #314

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    Ok, I did not read ALL of the jokes, so forgice if these have been told:

    What's black and blue and laying in a ditch? The singer that told too many drummer jokes.

    Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

    And...stop me if you've heard this one...a baby seal walks into a club...
    TEARL

    www.BreakingSilenceCO.com

    I play PDP (X-7 Maple) and Sabian Xs...mostly because I'm not rich

  15. #315

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    Some of you older members have already seen these jokes.
    So to the new ones enjoy:


    You might be a drummer if:

    Your drums cost more than your car.

    Most of your income is spent on new heads, sticks, or cymbals
    .
    All of your neighbors hate you.

    You often twirl your silverware and pencils.

    There's a "deaf child" sign in your front yard.

    You've ever had to move furniture to make room for more drums.

    Your drums have their own room.

    Your drums get an "allowance"

    Your drums have a name and you refer to them in the first person.

    You have kits you rarely play and selling them is not an option "just in case"

    Every surface in your house has stick-marks on it.

    Your kit(s) take up more than half your free space.

    You have little piles of sawdust under your cymbals.
    Last edited by Pearl MCX Man; 10-05-2013 at 10:13 AM.

  16. #316

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    I've got a joke:


    anything being entered in the UK charts under the label "music"

  17. #317

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    I was walking along the road today when I saw a dead baby ghost on the floor.

    Although, thinking about it now, it might just have been a handkerchief.

    ------------------------------------------------
    My pet squirrel died today. Very unluckily he had a nut allergy.
    Mapex Armory - Photon Blue
    Mapex VXB kit - Transparent Black
    Mapex & Pearl snares
    Paiste Alpha & RUDE cymbals
    Remo & Vater

  18. #318

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    So my girlfriend comes over, she's sitting on the sofa in the living room and I'm in the kitchen fixing dinner. I walk over and give her a glass of wine. Back in the kitchen I hear her say, "It's so good to see you again, I missed you so much". "That's so sweet", I said, "Is that you or the wine talking"? She said, "It's me talking to the wine".

  19. #319

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    This elderly woman of 80 years was caught stealing a can of peaches. She appears in front of the judge.
    Judge asks " why would you steal a can of peaches?
    Woman " cause I was hungry.
    Judge " when you opened and hate the peaches, how many peaches where in the can
    Woman " I believe 6
    Judge To teach you a lesson I will sentence you to 6 hours in jail
    But before the Judge could sentence the older woman, her husband raises his hand.
    Judge " Do you have something to add before I sentence her.
    Man " yes your honor may I also add that she also stole a can of Peas.

  20. #320

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    A man walking sees a sign on a fence saying Talking dog for sale 10.00 Being curious he knocks on the door some elderly man answers and the curious man asks " You have a talking dog for sale .Sure do says the elderly. Can I see him as I am curious. He's in the backyard says the elderly.
    The man walks up to the dog as ask " do you talk"
    The dog answers ' yes I do
    Man surprised and can't believe it.
    Dog " When I was a puppy my master heard me speak and befor I knew it the CIA where here investigating. They hired me to be a spy dog cause I could go into top secret meetings listen and report. Did that for six years then my hearing was going so they transfered me to Airport security you know sniffing luggage for drugs etc.
    Then I retired here.
    Man impressed with the story asks the elderly man " Why are you asking only 10.00 for such a talented dog.

    The elderly man answers

    Cause he 's a liar, he never left the yard.

  21. #321

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    Quote Originally Posted by BlueSky View Post
    Do you know which concert tickets only cost 45¢ ?

    50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
    Hah! Can I steal that one?
    "...it's the Paradigm Of The Cosmos!" Stewart Copeland on Youtube

    668: The Number Of The Guy Next Door To The Beast.

    "A random act of kindness; it keeps my heart in shape!" - Late8

  22. #322

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    Its yours.
    "Well-behaved women rarely make history."
    -Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, 1976

  23. #323

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    Another one from my childhood, there is a race between a cabagge, a garden hose and a tomatoe The cabagge is a head the hose is running and the tomatoe is.....



    Wait for it.....






    Trying to ketchup. lol.
    Conrad

  24. #324

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    In honor of Halloween...

    John, a city slicker from Boston, bought a pumpkin patch. He thought that he could make more money from chickens than the previous owner made from pumpkins, so he went to a poultry farm and bought 50 chickens.
    "50 is a lot of chickens for that little pumpkin patch," commented the proprietor.

    "I'm used to big business" John replied.
    A week later John was back at the farm. "I need another 50 chickens," he said.
    "Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the poultry farmer told him.
    "Oh yes," John replied. "It'll be okay if I can just iron out a few problems."
    "Problems?", asked the farmer.

    "Yeah," replied the John, "I think I planted that first batch too close together."
    "Well-behaved women rarely make history."
    -Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, 1976

  25. #325

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    Saw this today and I cracked up!


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