Dwayne's teacher asks him what is the difference in age between him and his brother.
"Well seeing that my mamma told me last year that mah brother was a year older than me...", Dwayne replies, "by mah calculations we should be about the same age!"
Cold Water Cleaning
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV the old man shouted ...
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
Dwayne's teacher asks him what is the difference in age between him and his brother.
"Well seeing that my mamma told me last year that mah brother was a year older than me...", Dwayne replies, "by mah calculations we should be about the same age!"
ZildjianLeague/LP/Aquarian/Mapex/Pearl
Snares: 4
RIP- Frank, Wolvie, Les Paul
Forum Rules
DrumBum
No metronome?
The Rudiments
Never, believe a Hillbillie cause he lies through his tooth.
This young man brought home is new girlfriend for a Thansgiving supper and to meet the family for the first time. As she sat there at the table and being nervous with people staring at her she farted ( very faintly) and lucky for her the dog was laying down beside her so the father hearing this and wanted to pretend like he did'nt hear stared down at the dog and said " Ginger". The girl felt relieved and sort of relaxed but then she let another one so again the father stares at the dog and says "Ginger" by this time the girl realy felt uncomfortable which made her fart again this time the father stood up and said " Ginger get away from her before she ****s on you".
A man goes to a Pacific island. He notices the constant sound of drumming. He asks a native how long the drumming will go on, and the native says "very bad when drumming stops." Later that day, the drumming is still going on. He asks another native when the drumming will stop. "Very bad when drumming stops," he says, and runs off. After a couple of days the man had enough. He grabs a native, slams him against a tree, and shouts, "What happens when the drumming stops?!" The native replies, "Bass solo."
- Zack
A blond read somwhere that if she took a bath in milk her skin would stay nice and young looking for ever. So she left a note for the milkman to bring 25 gallons of milk. The milkman puzzled figured she made a mistake and probably just wanted 2.5 gallons so to comfirm this he knocks on the door and she answer . He asks her if she made a mistake for 25 gallons of milk and she replied no that is how much milk I want. The milkman asks do you want the milk "Pasteurized" she answers no just enough to fill it up to my boobs then I can splash in my eyes from there.
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other," Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, sister, but i would not feel comfortable buying beer, since i am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."
"I can handle that without a problem" the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair", the nun said, "Back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "The curlers are on the house."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL!'
'Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter.
Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
A married couple are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road,
they were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.
He insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool
and a huge conference center that were available for them to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain
that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood,
and Las Vegas perform here", the Manager says.. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said. "Well, we have them, and you could have,"
the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually
the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn't have the check book he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct.
I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" claimed the Manager.. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
This fellow was at Wallmart shopping for some fishing gear so picked up a rod and a reel as he approached the checkout he notice the teller was blind. You are blind aren't you he asked. Yes since birth but that is ok because I know all the products in the store just by feel. So the guy hands him his rod and the blindman says oh the Super 3000 sportsman rod very good choice then the guy gave him the reel and the blind man says oh the Super 500 auto reel very good choice for the Super 3000. The guy impressed says wow you sure know your stuff. The blind man says that will 30.00 for the Super 3000 and 20.00 for the Super 500 as the guy opened his wallet a bill fell out so he bend over to pick it up and he farted so the blindman says and that will be 5.00 for the duck call and 2.00 for the bait scent for a grand total of 57.00 and thank you for shopping at Wallmart.
Dont know if this one is clean enough but here goes:
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy panties for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing
If you are going through hell...keep going!
This husband and wife were in a serious automobile accident. They both survived but the wife had serious burns all over her face. The doctor said the only thing that could be done was to use some skin from her husband's booty. They talked it over for a while and agreed to go forward with the procedure, but to never ever tell anyone about it, out of embarrassment.
Well, the procedure went very well and she came out of the ordeal more beautiful that before. People were constantly commenting on how gorgeous she was after the accident. The wife, choked up by all this emotion, turned to her husband and said "honey I can't believe the sacrifice you've made for me. To agree to have skin removed from your rear and then never say anything to anyone is just overwhelming. How could I ever possibly repay you?" The husband said, "sweetheart, there is no thanks needed. Besides, I get all the gratitude I need everytime I see your momma kiss you on the cheek".
Did you hear about the farmer who won the Nobel prize?
He was out standing in his field.
- Zack
I've got one!
THIS IS WHY MEN SHOULDN'T WRITE ADIVCE COLUMNS. True Story.
Dear John, I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to the house to get my husbands help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with our neighbor's daughter! I am 32 and my husband is 34, the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid, I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila, A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check the grounding wires. If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps, John.
I couldn't help but die laughing at the response!
6 piece Pearl Export Series Gloss Black
10x8
12x10
13x11
16x16
6" Zil-Bell
14" Zildjian A Custom hats
18" Sabian AAX Xplosion Crash
17" Soultone Extreme Crash
16" Zildjian A Custom Crash
20" Sabian AAX Omni Ride
18" Sabian AA Metal-X China
Not on my kit:
12" Zildjian Oriental Trash China
18"Zildjian A Custom Crash
10" Zildjian ZBT Splash
(Hardware)
Tama SpeedCobra Double Pedals
Remo Pinstripe over Remo Ambassador
Vater 5B
Pork Pie Throne
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep!
Quoting gonefishin: Just have some bacon with ya when you go pick her up..........youre an instant chick magnet.
For coupons and specials, join the Drum Bum mailing list.
Buy Gifts for Drummers. And don't miss the free Drum Lessons!
An old woman was sipping wine on the patio with her husband and she says, "I love you so much and you've always been by my side. I don't know what I would have done without you all these years."
The old man says, "Is that you talking or the wine?"
She replies, "That's me talking to the wine."
-DrumRookie
-Gear-Birch Tama Starclassic 22", 14", 12", 10" - 14"x5" Black Panther Steel Snare - Iron Cobra Hi-Hat Stand - Zildjian 20" A Vintage ride - Sabian HH 16" Crash - Sabian AAX 18" Studio Crash - Agazarian 10" Splash - Sabian XS20 14" Medium Hats - ProMark Shira Kashi Oak 5A - Various sticks & percussion - CP Bongos
Quoting gonefishin: Just have some bacon with ya when you go pick her up..........youre an instant chick magnet.
For coupons and specials, join the Drum Bum mailing list.
Buy Gifts for Drummers. And don't miss the free Drum Lessons!
-DrumRookie
-Gear-Birch Tama Starclassic 22", 14", 12", 10" - 14"x5" Black Panther Steel Snare - Iron Cobra Hi-Hat Stand - Zildjian 20" A Vintage ride - Sabian HH 16" Crash - Sabian AAX 18" Studio Crash - Agazarian 10" Splash - Sabian XS20 14" Medium Hats - ProMark Shira Kashi Oak 5A - Various sticks & percussion - CP Bongos
Quoting gonefishin: Just have some bacon with ya when you go pick her up..........youre an instant chick magnet.
For coupons and specials, join the Drum Bum mailing list.
Buy Gifts for Drummers. And don't miss the free Drum Lessons!
A duck walks into a bar;
DUCK: Got any bread?
BARMAN: No we dont serve bread.
DUCK: Got any bread?
BARMAN: NO!
DUCK: Got any bread?
BARMAN NO!!
DUCK: Got any bread?
BARMAN: No! now get lost before i nail you to the bar!
(pause)
DUCK: Got any nails?
BARMAN: NO!!!
DUCK: Got any bread?
If you are going through hell...keep going!
Two teenagers were recently caught by police. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating illegal fireworks.
Police later decided to charge one, and let the other one off....
Tama Rockstar & Paiste User and Abuser......
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