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Thread: Any Clean Good Jokes?

  1. #101

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    A man goes to see his doctor....

    He says "Doctor, I can't tell if I'm a wigwam or a teepee".

    The doctor says, "Oh relax - you're just too tense".
    Tama Rockstar & Paiste User and Abuser......

  2. #102

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    Orson Welles went on a speak your weight machine and it said not coach parties please.!

  3. #103

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    A guys is crawling through the desert and his half dead and thirsty comes across a stand with an old man behind the counter. Water, water please may I have some water. The old man says sorry I only sell ties here. Now why would I need a tie here in the middle of the desert it's water I need. The old man points out over a couple of dunes away there is a restaurant and they serve ice cold water food etc. So the guy crawls all the way across the dunes and back and still thirsty and wanting water. What's the matter the old man asked " did they not have any water for you there?" They sure did but your brother would not serve me without a tie.

  4. #104

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    A censous volunteer comes to a door and knocks and this kid answers the door. Is your father home ' nope he is in jail for robbery' is your mother here ' nope she's in the sanitorium' is there anyone else in this household other than you. The kid says my older brother. Is he here now " nope he's at the University" well that is nice replies the volunteer to have an older brother with brains what is he studying? He's not cause they are studying him.
    Last edited by Pearl MCX Man; 10-10-2011 at 01:26 PM.

  5. #105

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    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?











    Because he was dead!



    Why did they bury the fireman on top of the hill?












    Because he was dead too!
    A simple, elegant design is good engineering.

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  6. #106

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    A guy goes for a physical and the doctors says do you want to hear the good news or the bad news. The guy says give me the bad news and the doctor says you have Cancer. So what is the good new doc You have Alzheimers. Oh replies the guys that is not so bad cause for a minute there I thought you were gonna say I have cancer.

  7. #107

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    A guy goes for a physical and the doctors says do you want to hear the good news or the bad news. The guy says give me the bad news and the doctor says you have Cancer. So what is the good new doc You have Alzheimers. Oh replies the guys that is not so bad cause for a minute there I thought you were gonna say I have cancer.
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  8. #108

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    Speeding


    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
    ...
    Older Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

    Officer: Don’t have one?

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Older Woman: I can’t do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

    Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

    A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
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  9. #109

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    Marriage Counseling

    After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife go for counseling.

    When asked what the problem was, the wife starts in on a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the years they've been married.

    On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she's had to endure.

    Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

    The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

    The husband replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I go fishing."

  10. #110

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    Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

    The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort. The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one.

    This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching.

    The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

    The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

    While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

    The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

    Now you know how the stock market works.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    T.C.

  11. #111

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    A little boy was kneeling beside his bed with his mother and grandmother and softly saying his prayers, "Dear God, please bless Mummy and Daddy and all the family and please give me a good night's sleep."


    Suddenly he looked up and shouted, "And don't forget to give me a bicycle for my birthday!!"


    "There is no need to shout like that," said his mother. "God isn't deaf."


    "No," said the little boy, "but Grandma is."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    T.C.

  12. #112

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    EVER WONDER ...

    Why the sun lightens our hair,
    but darkens our skin?

    Why women can't put on mascara
    with their mouth closed?

    Why don't you ever see the headline
    'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

    Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

    Why is it that doctors call what
    they do 'practice'?

    Why is lemon juice made with
    artificial flavor, and dish washing
    liquid made with real lemons?

    Why is the man who invests all
    your money called a broker?

    Why is the time of day with the
    slowest traffic called rush hour?

    Why isn't there mouse-flavored
    cat food?

    Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

    Why do they sterilize the needle
    for lethal injections?

    You know that indestructible black
    box that is used on airplanes? Why
    don't they make the whole plane out
    of that stuff?!

    Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

    Why are they called apartments
    when they are all stuck together?

    If con is the opposite of pro, is
    Congress the opposite of progress?

    If flying is so safe, why do they call
    the airport the terminal?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    T.C.

  13. #113

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    My son, when he was 3: "Can I tuckle with you" (Tuck in and cuddle).

    ...it's been a standing word in our household for ten years now.
    Better the devil you know, than you don't know! (Better the devil you know, the real devil is me!)

  14. #114

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    I don't have a single joke that doesn't start or end with "Nantucket".

  15. #115

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    Doctor calls the patient at home and says "Ive got some good news and some bad news" The patient says give me the good news" " Youve got 24hrs to live." The patient responded, "Thats good news?! Whats the bad news!?!?"
    "I forgot to call you yesterday"

  16. #116

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  17. #117

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    ^
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  18. #118

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    An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Chicagoan are captured by cannibals. The cannibal chief says, "We're going to kill you, eat you and use your skins to make a canoe but you each get to choose how you wish to die."

    The Englishman pulls out a revolver and shouts, "God save the queen" and shoots himself in the head.

    The Frenchman grabs a bottle of cyanide, shouts, "Viva La France," drinks the poison and dies.

    The Chicagoan pulls out a fork and starts stabbing himself all over his body shouting, " Screw your Darn Canoe!"

  19. #119

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    A policeman stops a drunk late one night and asks where he's going.

    "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and it's effects on the human body," slurs the drunk.

    "Really? and who's going to give a lecture at 2am in the morning?"

    "My wife"

  20. #120

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    A cop with a radar clock a kid going 100 mph in a 50mph zone after pulling the kid over he says to him " I have been waiting for you" and the kid replies " I got here as fast as I could" this is a true story and what I heard is the cop laughed so hard that he let him go. Believe it or not.

  21. #121

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    Patty the Irishman came out of the club all hammered up and saw a lady in the shadow. She says 100 you can have your way with me. Patty figures what the heck never had a prostitute before he goes for it and takes her in the bush. A few minutes later a flash of light hits him in the face and hears the voice of a Policeman saying ' what are you doing in there" Patty replies fast ' having sex with my wife. The Policeman says ' Sorry I did'nt know it was your wife" Patty replies ' I did'nt either till you flash that friggin light in her face.

  22. #122

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    A stranger pull into a General store in a small rural village and as he is pumping gas he notices a local sitting there watching him. He says to the local how is the deer in this area for hunting as it is hunting season. The local responds by saying Lots of deers around here as a matter of fact I have 7 of them hanging in my garage and tomorrow if I go out I will get another 3 easily. That's great says the stranger and asks the local do you know who I am and the local says no who are you. Well I am the game warden and flashes his badge and the local says do you know who I am and the warden says no. Well says the local I am the biggest B.S.ter around here.

  23. #123

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    3 drunks hail a taxi.
    The driver, seeing that they're intoxicated, decides to pull a fast one so he switches the engine on, drives about a block then quickly switches it off and says, "We're here!"

    The first guy hands him the fare, second guy says "Thanks" but the 3rd guy angrily smacks the cabbie in the head.

    "What was that for?" asks the cabbie, afraid he's been caught.

    "That" says the 3rd guy, "is for driving so fast!"
    Last edited by Olimpass; 06-27-2015 at 08:48 PM.

  24. #124

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    A woman sends her husband out to buy escargot for a dinner party they're having that night. Instead of walking straight to the store, he stops off at a bar. Several beers later he remembers, "The Party!" He staggers out to the store and buys up all the escargot they have, gets back home, trips on the last step before the door, sending snails flying all over the front doorway. Just then his wife opens the door angrily glaring at him. He looks down at the snails all over and slurs, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

  25. #125

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    Patty's house burnt with him in it but there was some of his remains that needed identification. Seeing he had no family to do this they called his drinking buddies Ian and Angus to come to the morgue and identify him. Once there the mortician lifts the sheet and says to Ian is that Patty, Ian replies ' I'm not sure cause he is burnt pretty good so turn him over, Ian says no that's no him. the mortician is kind of confused so he asks Angus is this Patty he replies I'm not sure turn him and says no it's not him. Mortician ask how can you tell it's not him by turning him over. Ian replies cause Patty had two arseholes. How can that be? well explains Angus because evertime the people of the village saw Patty coming down the road they would say " Here comes Patty with his two arseholes.

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