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Thread: Any Clean Good Jokes?

  1. #501

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    These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers arts
    in the New York City public school system. All teachers were
    reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

    1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
    started to dig.

    2. I would not allow this student to breed.

    3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

    4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

    5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
    achieve them.

    6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to
    hold it all together.

    7. This child has been working with glue too much.

    8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

    9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

    10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

    11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat
    out 1,000,000 others.

    12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

  2. #502

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    These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments
    were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

    1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
    went through."

    2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
    stretch after you wear them a while."

    3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
    certificate a worthless document."

    4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

    5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
    speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

    6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
    write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

    7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
    it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

    8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
    again or I'll give you another ticket."

    9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
    drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

    10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
    go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
    poop."

    11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

    12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National
    Crime Information Center )

    13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

    14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
    allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

    15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
    of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

    AND THE WINNER IS....

    16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
    don't.. Sign here."

  3. #503

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    The Worst Day Of My Life!


    There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
    "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
    "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

    "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."

    "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

  4. #504

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  5. #505

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    DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
    Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
    Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
    ______________________________ _____________

    A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
    The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
    'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
    then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
    Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
    'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
    The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
    The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
    1. The DNA all matches.
    2. There are no dental records.
    ______________________________ _____________

    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
    take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
    The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
    'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
    ______________________________ _____________

    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
    'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
    'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
    'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
    'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
    Joe: 'Really?'
    Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
    'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
    'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
    'Oops!'
    ______________________________ _____________

    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
    'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
    'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
    He's still in intensive care.
    ______________________________ _____________

    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
    The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she's there”

  6. #506

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    ^^ hahahahaha those were great! Thanks for the morning laughs

  7. #507

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    A man on his Harley was riding along an Australian beach road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."


    The biker pulled over and said, " Lord, build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."

    God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

    Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

    The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
    God replied: "You want two lanes on that bridge, or four?"

  8. #508

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    Male logic — flawless

    This is a conversation between a husband and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply; but, then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there.

    Woman: Do you drink beer?

    Man: Yes.

    Woman: How many beers a day?

    Man: Usually about three.

    Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

    Man: $5..00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!).

    Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

    Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
    Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
    In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?


    Man: Correct.

    Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

    Man: Correct.

    Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

    Man: Do you drink beer?

    Woman: No.

    Man: Where is your airplane?

  9. #509

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    I love that joke. I heard it using a fancy exotic car instead of airplanes lol
    It's a goodie for sure.

  10. #510

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    The Spelling Error



    Let me tell you friends, that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell.



    I recently texted a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e".


    No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

    I wrote,

    "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her !"

  11. #511

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  12. #512

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    The Spelling Error



    Let me tell you friends, that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell.



    I recently texted a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e".


    No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

    I wrote,

    "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her !"
    hahahaha yeah I can see the problem here.....!

  13. #513

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    SLEEPING WITH BOB



    The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.



    The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?



    He said, " Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



    The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.



    They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."



    The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"



    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."



    With age comes wisdom.

  14. #514

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    "Lexophile"
    Describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "To write with a broken pencil is pointless." An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.

    This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
    If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
    Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
    When chemists die, they barium.
    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
    This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore
    I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
    A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
    When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
    I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
    A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
    A will is a dead giveaway.
    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
    Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
    Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
    A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
    The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
    He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
    When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
    Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

    Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

  15. #515

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    OMG those Lexophile liners are hilarious!!

  16. #516

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    Glad as always you give inputs on my jokes if it was not for you I would not post any as I feel nobody cares. Laughter is the best of medicine I hear. I am always entertaining people with my jokes and love to see them smile and laugh..

  17. #517

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    Quote Originally Posted by Pearl MCX Man View Post
    SLEEPING WITH BOB



    The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.



    The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?



    He said, " Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



    The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.



    They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."



    The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"



    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."



    With age comes wisdom.
    That is funny!!
    YOU MESS WITH THE DEVIL YOU KNOW.

    YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE DEVIL YOU DON'T KNOW.

    VAE VICTIS

    ONCE YOU HIT A CERTAIN AGE, YOU BECOME PERMANENTLY UNIMPRESSED BY A LOT OF CRAP.

    I HIT THAT AGE 20 YEARS AGO.

    IF DOGS CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN, I WANT TO GO WHERE THEY GO

    WILL ROGERS

  18. #518

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    LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile, of course!


    • How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

    • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

    • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

    • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

    • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

    • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

    • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

    • When chemists die, they barium.

    • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    • Broken pencils are pointless.

    • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    • All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

    • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    • Velcro - what a rip off!

    • Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

  19. #519

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    These are genuine answers (from 16-year-olds) in last year's GED examination


    Q. Name the four seasons
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q. How is dew formed.
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q. What are steroids?
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .
    (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

    Q. What happens to your body as you age?
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
    (So true)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A. Premature death.

    Q. What is artificial insemination?
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A. Keep it in the cow.
    (Simple, but brilliant)

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.

    The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and
    the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie.

    Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
    A. Nearby.

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
    (That would work)

    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor.
    (Julius Seizure , I came, I saw, I had a fit)

    Q. What is a terminal illness?
    A. When you are sick at the airport.
    (Irrefutable)

    Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
    (brilliant) .

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
    Don't laugh they are out there and what is scary they will grow up to be doctors, politicians etc.

  20. #520

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    oh those answers just hurt to read....

  21. #521

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    Well I was going to post a few but in no way am I'm going to follow, with any success what is above. I cracked up on every post. BBL
    Signature here

  22. #522

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    Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology:



    Medical Term Redneck Definition

    Artery The study of paintings

    Bacteria Back door to cafeteria

    Barium What doctors do when patients die

    Benign What you be, after you be eight

    Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome

    Cat scan Searching for Kitty

    Cauterize Made eye contact with her

    Colic A sheep dog

    Coma A punctuation mark

    Dilate To live long

    Enema Not a friend

    Fester Quicker than someone else

    Fibula A small lie

    Impotent Distinguished, well known

    Labor Pain Getting hurt at work

    Medical Staff A Doctor's cane

    Morbid A higher offer

    Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days

    Node I knew it

    Outpatient A person who has fainted

    Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis

    Post Operative A letter carrier

    Recovery Room Place to do upholstery

    Rectum Nearly killed him

    Secretion Hiding something

    Seizure Roman Emperor

    Tablet A small table

    Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport

    Tumor One plus one more

    Urine Opposite of you're out

  23. #523

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    Aphorism

    It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.


    We have enough "youth".


    How about a fountain of "smart"?



    A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.



    When blondes have more fun, do they know it?


    LEARN FROM YOUR PARENT'S MISTAKES - USE BIRTH CONTROL


    Money isn't everything,
    But it sure keeps the kids in touch.


    If at first you don't succeed,
    skydiving is not for you


    We are born naked, wet and hungry.
    Then things get worse.


    Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.


    Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.


    Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
    to produce reproductive organs.

    Alabama state motto:
    At least we're not Mississippi



    ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.


    The latest survey shows that three out of four people make
    up 75% of the population

  24. #524

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    FROZEN CRABS AND THE BLONDE FLIGHT ATTENDANT


    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

    He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

    Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin:

    "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.


    There are two lessons here:

    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

    2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks say they are.

  25. #525

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    It’s No Accident That Men Are Just Happy People!



    This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.



    Men Are Just Happier People!



    What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.



    Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.



    A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.



    You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.



    No wonder men are happier!



    NICKNAMES



    · If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

    · If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.



    EATING OUT



    · When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.



    When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.



    MONEY



    · A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

    · A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



    BATHROOMS



    · A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

    · The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



    ARGUMENTS



    · A woman has the last word in any argument.

    · Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



    FUTURE



    · A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    · A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



    MARRIAGE



    · A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

    · A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



    DRESSING UP



    · A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

    · A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



    NATURAL



    · Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

    · Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



    OFFSPRING



    · Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

    · A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.





    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY



    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!



    So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor …. and to the men who will enjoy reading.

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