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Thread: Any Clean Good Jokes?

  1. #501

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    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers arts
    in the New York City public school system. All teachers were
    reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

    1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
    started to dig.

    2. I would not allow this student to breed.

    3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

    4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

    5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
    achieve them.

    6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to
    hold it all together.

    7. This child has been working with glue too much.

    8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

    9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

    10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

    11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat
    out 1,000,000 others.

    12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

  2. #502

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    Default Re: any clean good jokes

    These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments
    were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

    1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
    went through."

    2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
    stretch after you wear them a while."

    3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
    certificate a worthless document."

    4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

    5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
    speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

    6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
    write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

    7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
    it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

    8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
    again or I'll give you another ticket."

    9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
    drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

    10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
    go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey

    11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

    12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National
    Crime Information Center )

    13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

    14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
    allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

    15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
    of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."


    16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
    don't.. Sign here."

  3. #503

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    The Worst Day Of My Life!

    There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
    "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
    "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

    "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."

    "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

  4. #504

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  5. #505

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    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
    Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
    Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
    ______________________________ _____________

    A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
    The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
    'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
    then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
    Took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
    'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
    The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
    The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
    1. The DNA all matches.
    2. There are no dental records.
    ______________________________ _____________

    A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
    take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
    The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
    'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
    ______________________________ _____________

    Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
    'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
    'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
    'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
    'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
    Joe: 'Really?'
    Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
    ______________________________ _____________

    A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
    'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
    'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
    ______________________________ _____________

    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
    'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
    'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
    He's still in intensive care.
    ______________________________ _____________

    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
    The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she's there”

  6. #506

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    ^^ hahahahaha those were great! Thanks for the morning laughs
    19pc Yamaha Maple Custom Vintage | 12pc PDP X7 | 9pc Ludwig Jr. | 8pc Pork Pie ZebraWood | 6pc Sonor | 5pc Orbitone |4pc Sonor Martini | 5pc Gretsch Energy | 41 Snare drums and growing!

  7. #507

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    A man on his Harley was riding along an Australian beach road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

    The biker pulled over and said, " Lord, build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."

    God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

    Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

    The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
    God replied: "You want two lanes on that bridge, or four?"

  8. #508

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    Male logic — flawless

    This is a conversation between a husband and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply; but, then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there.

    Woman: Do you drink beer?

    Man: Yes.

    Woman: How many beers a day?

    Man: Usually about three.

    Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

    Man: $5..00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!).

    Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

    Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
    Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
    In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

    Man: Correct.

    Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

    Man: Correct.

    Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

    Man: Do you drink beer?

    Woman: No.

    Man: Where is your airplane?

  9. #509

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    I love that joke. I heard it using a fancy exotic car instead of airplanes lol
    It's a goodie for sure.
    19pc Yamaha Maple Custom Vintage | 12pc PDP X7 | 9pc Ludwig Jr. | 8pc Pork Pie ZebraWood | 6pc Sonor | 5pc Orbitone |4pc Sonor Martini | 5pc Gretsch Energy | 41 Snare drums and growing!

  10. #510

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    The Spelling Error

    Let me tell you friends, that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell.

    I recently texted a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e".

    No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

    I wrote,

    "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her !"

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