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Thread: Funny!! Jokes!

  1. #1

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    Default Jokes!Jokes!Jokes!

    WOMEN'S REVENGE
    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
    to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
    television set in her purse.
    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
    and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
    and still be afraid of a spider.


    MARRIAGE SEMINAR
    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
    Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
    "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
    dislikes."
    He addressed the man,"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
    Pillsbury, isn't it?


    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
    She directs him down the correct aisle.
    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
    balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
    for your wife?
    He answers, " You see, it's like this,
    yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
    and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
    papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
    So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.



    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
    neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
    the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


    W O R D S
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
    day...
    30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
    everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
    so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
    " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

    WHO DOES WHAT
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who
    should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
    and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
    The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
    you should d o it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
    coffee."
    Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
    that the man should do the coffee."
    Husband replies, "I can't believe t hat, show me. "
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
    and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
    says.........."HEBREWS"


    The Silent Treatment
    A man and his wife were having some problems at
    home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
    realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM
    for an early morning business flight.Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
    (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woke him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
    Last edited by 2slow; 10-08-2007 at 07:20 PM. Reason: name change
    E Drums !! !

    There are no loud instruments just loud players !

    Protect Your Hearing !!!!

  2. #2

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    Polite Way to Pee
    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,asked her students the following question:
    "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
    lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
    Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
    The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
    "What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
    Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
    be right back."
    "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
    And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show
    us your good manners?"
    "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

    The teacher fainted....

  3. #3

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    ^ hahaha good one dc!

    Lawyer Jokes(my mom, dad, grandpa and great grandpa were lawyers, I hear these jokes every time):

    Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
    A. One stops screwing you after your dead.

    Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
    A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

    Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
    A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

    Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
    A: 1) Lawyers don't think they're funny
    2) nobody else thinks they're jokes.
    Paiste Posse
    14inch 2002 series Sound Edge Hi-hats
    16inch and 18inch Signature series Fast crashes
    20inch 3000 series Ride
    18inch PST5 series China

    Pearl Forum Series drum set
    Pearl Chad Smith Signature snare(steel shell)
    Tama Iron Cobra Chrome

    RIP Frank - You will be remembered

  4. #4

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    what do you call a bear with no fur
    cold

    what do you call a dalmation named stripe
    stripe of course
    play till the day i die. it makes more sense that way.

    "You should set up your drums around the toilet. You know you must use it everyday and lets be realistic, nothing better is going on when your sitting on there. Why not take care of business and play the drums." silver dragon sound

  5. #5

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    Q. What do you call a fish with no eye's?
    A. A fsh

    Two elephants walked off a cliff. BOOM! BOOM!

    A man has pet doberman that is severly cross-eyed. He decides to take him to a vet. The vet gets the dog and starts looking him over, picks him and looks closely at his eyes. After a few moments he turns to the man and says "I'm gonna have to put him down". Stunned the man says "What? Is it really that serious you need to kill my beloved dog?" The vet responds "Nah, he's just real heavy."

    Q. What's big, yellow and can't swim?
    A. A bulldozer

    Three men walk into a bar. You'd think the third one would have seen it.

    Q. Why did the monkey fall out the tree?
    A. It was dead.
    Q. Why did the SECOND monkey fall out the tree?
    A. It was tied to the first monkey
    Q. Why did the THIRD monkey fall out the tree?
    A. Peer Pressure
    Did you hear about the dead elephant? Three monkeys fell on it's head.

    And, probably my favourite joke of all time:

    Q. Why did the boy fall off his bike?
    A. Because someone threw a fridge at him.
    "What consumes your mind, controls your life" - So, what consumes your mind?

  6. #6

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    Default Baptist

    Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival.
    When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, "This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!"
    The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, "No we're not. I make over $250,000 a week."
    The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!"
    The other man, unruffled, again responded. "No, I make over $250,000 a week."
    Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated,
    "For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed.
    There is NO one else on this island.
    There is NO food.
    There is NO water.
    We are, I repeat, we are going to die a slow death."
    Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said,
    "Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 per week....
    I am a Baptist and I tithe....my pastor will find us!"
    E Drums !! !

    There are no loud instruments just loud players !

    Protect Your Hearing !!!!

  7. #7

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    Default Bad Morning!

    I rear ended a car this morning... I could tell it was going to be

    a REALLY bad day!



    The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF. He looked

    up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"



    So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

    That's how the fight started
    E Drums !! !

    There are no loud instruments just loud players !

    Protect Your Hearing !!!!

  8. #8

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    Default Uncle Bob

    The story of Uncle Bob

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

    "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

    "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

    "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

    "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

    "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

    "Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
    E Drums !! !

    There are no loud instruments just loud players !

    Protect Your Hearing !!!!

  9. #9

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    Default Forest Gump

    The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the
    Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and
    Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

    Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever
    told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

    St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
    questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"

    Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers" Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter T? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... " "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy." "Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

    St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
    Quoting gonefishin: Just have some bacon with ya when you go pick her up..........youre an instant chick magnet.





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  10. #10

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    Default The Painter

    There was a painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the United Methodist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

    Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and
    buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

    Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
    completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky
    opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and
    useless paint.

    Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried, "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"
    And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke . . . "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
    Quoting gonefishin: Just have some bacon with ya when you go pick her up..........youre an instant chick magnet.





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    Buy Gifts for Drummers. And don't miss the free Drum Lessons!

  11. #11

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    Default Guys Rules!

    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
    (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
    We always hear "the rules"
    From the female side.
    Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!
    Please note.. These are all numbered "1"
    ON PURPOSE!





    1. Men ARE not mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
    or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes, and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something
    Or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know be st how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
    or golf.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
    E Drums !! !

    There are no loud instruments just loud players !

    Protect Your Hearing !!!!

  12. #12

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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by 2slow View Post
    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
    (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
    We always hear "the rules"
    From the female side.
    Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!
    Please note.. These are all numbered "1"
    ON PURPOSE!





    1. Men ARE not mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
    or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
    And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes, and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
    Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something
    Or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know be st how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
    We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
    or golf.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
    LMAO! Good one.....

    These are all great jokes!

  13. #13

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    Quote Originally Posted by drum_chick View Post
    "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

    The teacher fainted....
    heh, good stuff dc

  14. #14

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    Default Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall !

    A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a

    uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"


    The cop asked, "What's he like?"


    The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal

    whiskey and girls with big boobs.
    E Drums !! !

    There are no loud instruments just loud players !

    Protect Your Hearing !!!!

  15. #15

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    Quote Originally Posted by drum_chick View Post
    LMAO! Good one.....

    These are all great jokes!
    Uh, Drum Chick..... those weren't jokes.

  16. #16

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    A horse mopes into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey, why the long face?"


  17. #17

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    Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippers? They thought they were selling their souls to Santa
    "What consumes your mind, controls your life" - So, what consumes your mind?

  18. #18

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    Answering Machine at the National Mental Illness Institute

    Unfortunately no one is able to answer your call at the moment. However, if you would like to be transfered to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality:

    -If you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly.
    -If you are codependant, please ask someone to press "2".
    -If you have multiple personalitites, please press "3", "4", and "5".
    -If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
    -If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
    -If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.
    "What consumes your mind, controls your life" - So, what consumes your mind?

  19. #19

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    Default Installing A Husband

    Dear Tech Support,
    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
    noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance
    particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which
    operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
    programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and
    then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0,
    The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer
    runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
    crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to
    fix these problems, but to no avail.
    What can I do?
    Signed, Desperate



    Dear Desperate:
    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
    Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
    Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML"
    and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to
    install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as
    designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
    applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
    But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
    1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
    Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
    Snoring Loudly Beta.
    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it
    runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize
    control of all your system resources).
    Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
    These are un supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
    quickly. You might consider buying additional software to
    improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot
    Lingerie 7.7.
    E Drums !! !

    There are no loud instruments just loud players !

    Protect Your Hearing !!!!

  20. #20

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    Oustanding, 2slow!!! LOL
    Quoting gonefishin: Just have some bacon with ya when you go pick her up..........youre an instant chick magnet.





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  21. #21

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    I like that one too.
    Drummer Chicks Rule

  22. #22

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    Default Blonde Moment

    E Drums !! !

    There are no loud instruments just loud players !

    Protect Your Hearing !!!!

  23. #23

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    That is soooo wrong, AND sooooo funny!!!
    Quoting gonefishin: Just have some bacon with ya when you go pick her up..........youre an instant chick magnet.





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  24. #24

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    I'm so tough.......


    "I'm so tough...my rice bubbles don't go "snap, crackle, POP!" they just sit int he box and go "Shhhhh, here he comes""

    "Im so tough I go drag racing.........I just love getting dressed up in womens clothes and driving real fast"
    "What consumes your mind, controls your life" - So, what consumes your mind?

  25. #25

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    Speaking of sooo wrong! That last one was sooo wrong on soooo many levels!!
    Quoting gonefishin: Just have some bacon with ya when you go pick her up..........youre an instant chick magnet.





    For coupons and specials, join the Drum Bum mailing list.

    Buy Gifts for Drummers. And don't miss the free Drum Lessons!

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