Personally I hate it when other people touch my kit, back when I was originally learning to play the drums my mom found out that snare drums bounce, I wish she had never told me that. So I say nobody takes down my gear but me, I'm a little lenient with that with my hardware.
As for loading etiquette do you're gear first, then if they aren't finished help with the band gear. You're a drummer not a roadie don't let them push it all on you, but also remember your band mates are guitarists/bassists/pianists and not roadies and you shouldn't shove it all on them either.
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