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Thread: Should I Quit Band Due to Constant Critiques By Singer?

  1. #1

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    Default Should I Quit Band Due to Constant Critiques By Singer?

    I'm trying to decide whether or not it's time to quit one of the bands I'm in. I formed the band about 1 year ago but members have come and gone in that time (mostly female singers).

    They are a very talented group, and mostly nice, but the recent singer has toured and recorded in NYC and it's reflected in her attitude. I recruited her and my guard was up, but her awesome sound persuaded me.

    My problem is that she constantly critiques my playing, which I'm very open to, but she uses ridiculous descriptions of how she'd prefer I play something. She uses terms like "rat tat tat" and "do kind of a hip hop reggae groove" or refers to a "shuffle" without really understanding how each is played. The bass player has chimed in a few times, as he kisses her a$$ and is trying to please her.

    I'm in a second band, and constructive criticism is conveyed on occasion but communicated accurately and used. (I think)

    I'm not sure whether to just quit or confront her on this. I think that after confronting, things will be awkward, so I've hesitated. I formed the band, recruited most members and we rehearse at my house. But, it's not fun any longer. My apprehension is that the singers originals are excellent and this may be the best band I've ever played in. My other band is very good (and gigging) but the music is not as advanced or as good a fit for my style.

    One part of me wonders if she just doesn't like my playing style and it will never work with her. If that's true, I should just walk away now and allow them the chance to find a different drummer. I have a few other options to play with other bands.

    Thanks ....

  2. #2

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    If it is as good as you say then I would not give in so quickly without exhausting every possible solution. In the future you will always wonder in the back of your mind if maybe you should have tried this or that before quitting. Maybe ask her to find a sample of what she means or ask her if there is a song with a similar beat that you can listen to. I would just be right to the point but in a respectful way. I assume she has recordings of her originals she did before you got with her? have you heard em? studied em a bit? It may just open something in your own style you never thought of. I get it trust me, I go back and forth with my lead singer sometimes as well but as long as everyone is doing it to better the band/music and not to just be a dink than it should be ok.
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  3. #3

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    That’s a tough one. I agree to do your best to hang in there and make it work (if possible).
    You may need to just be honest and say, “look....I want to play it the way you want, but I can see it’s frustrating for you. We need to figure out a more efficient way to convey exactly what you have in mind.”
    -Brian

    "Too many crappy used drum stuff to list"

    Play the SONG......not the DRUMS!!!

    "I think that feeling is a lot more important than technique. It's all very well doing a triple paradiddle - but who's going to know you've done it? If you play technically you sound like everybody else. It's being original that counts." ~ John Bonham

  4. #4

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    try critiquing her singing once and see what happens

    Say that was good but can you do more "lalalalala" with vibrato

  5. #5

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    When she makes suggestions, just nod and agree.

    Then play it the way you want to.
    Signature here

  6. #6

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    Quote Originally Posted by MDK View Post
    If it is as good as you say then I would not give in so quickly without exhausting every possible solution. In the future you will always wonder in the back of your mind if maybe you should have tried this or that before quitting. Maybe ask her to find a sample of what she means or ask her if there is a song with a similar beat that you can listen to. I would just be right to the point but in a respectful way. I assume she has recordings of her originals she did before you got with her? have you heard em? studied em a bit? It may just open something in your own style you never thought of. I get it trust me, I go back and forth with my lead singer sometimes as well but as long as everyone is doing it to better the band/music and not to just be a dink than it should be ok.
    Quote Originally Posted by N2Bluz View Post
    That’s a tough one. I agree to do your best to hang in there and make it work (if possible).
    You may need to just be honest and say, “look....I want to play it the way you want, but I can see it’s frustrating for you. We need to figure out a more efficient way to convey exactly what you have in mind.”
    Quote Originally Posted by SpazApproved View Post
    try critiquing her singing once and see what happens

    Say that was good but can you do more "lalalalala" with vibrato
    Quote Originally Posted by Bish View Post
    When she makes suggestions, just nod and agree.

    Then play it the way you want to.

    MDK and Brian probably have the right approach to this. At the same time, my personal approach to this would be to get in her face, well, not really "get in her face", but come very close to it and remind her that she isn't Ann Wilson, Stevie Nicks, Joan Jett, or any 1 of the Bangles, so she should back off and let good musicians do what they do.
    I have been there, done that, have 15-20 tee-shirts.

    To the OP, I think that, like a lawyer, you don't ask the question unless you already know the answer.
    YOU MESS WITH THE DEVIL YOU KNOW.

    YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE DEVIL YOU DON'T KNOW.

    VAE VICTIS

    ONCE YOU HIT A CERTAIN AGE, YOU BECOME PERMANENTLY UNIMPRESSED BY A LOT OF CRAP.

    I HIT THAT AGE 20 YEARS AGO.

    IF DOGS CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN, I WANT TO GO WHERE THEY GO

    WILL ROGERS

  7. #7

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    Or....you could get up, hand her your sticks and say, “show me what you mean”.
    -Brian

    "Too many crappy used drum stuff to list"

    Play the SONG......not the DRUMS!!!

    "I think that feeling is a lot more important than technique. It's all very well doing a triple paradiddle - but who's going to know you've done it? If you play technically you sound like everybody else. It's being original that counts." ~ John Bonham

  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by N2Bluz View Post
    Or....you could get up, hand her your sticks and say, “show me what you mean”.
    My thoughts exactly. And then follow up when she can't play anything, by telling her to kiss your bass drum.

  9. #9

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    But say it with a happy heart so it's christian...

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Texdrumr View Post
    But say it with a happy heart so it's christian...
    Say it with a pi$$ed off look but a happy heart and let her wonder if it's Christian.

    Sad thing is that none of this advice is going to "fix" it.

    I've played enough in New York and recorded demo's there to say I've "toured NY". She's just another 1 of thousands that have done that.

    "One part of me wonders if she just doesn't like my playing style and it will never work with her." The answer to that is almost "without a doubt".

    Singers, especially singers that do not play anything, seem to know how the various instruments should be played. I've had more arguments with singers than anybody else in any band I've played in.

    You can't shoot them, cook them, or feed them to the family, so make your choice.

    If the bass player wants to kiss her a$$ tell him to kiss your a$$ too.
    Last edited by rickthedrummer; 06-01-2018 at 02:41 AM.
    YOU MESS WITH THE DEVIL YOU KNOW.

    YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE DEVIL YOU DON'T KNOW.

    VAE VICTIS

    ONCE YOU HIT A CERTAIN AGE, YOU BECOME PERMANENTLY UNIMPRESSED BY A LOT OF CRAP.

    I HIT THAT AGE 20 YEARS AGO.

    IF DOGS CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN, I WANT TO GO WHERE THEY GO

    WILL ROGERS

  11. #11

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    I certainly wouldn't take a passive stance on this. Sounds like you started this band. Nobody is irreplaceable.

  12. #12

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    You started the band;
    You recruited her;
    They all use your house as the studio;
    To me, that is a very strong position to ask the question, "What do I need to do to make this work ?"
    Because, CLEARLY................you have made large contributions to build this entity.
    I would ask her that exact question -- at a rehearsal in front of the entire band -- when she brings this up again the next time..................put it in the context of an option:
    Be very respectful but honest -- "Perhaps I need to move on to something else if the band feels like I'm not the right fit."

    That way you might get other band-mates to chime in...........................good or bad.
    Gretsch USA & Zildjian
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  13. #13

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    How does her backside look? If she's good just laugh it off...

    I was in a band for a few weeks over something similar... except the.singer was a little punk that played drums too. I was actually using his Premier kit at the practice room because it was easier to just have his remain standing.

    Every practice he'd stand down there and glare up at me while we ran through songs... never anything good to say... i think it was because I was dating a girl that this dude liked and probably was upset about it. I didn't stay long with them... can't remember exactly if I left or the posers decided to try somebody else... didn't matter... they never ended up doing anything..
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  14. #14

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    fpmr96a I have an email from an online drumming page. I can forward you the email. There is an article on dealing with singers drop me a pm here with your email address and froward it to you.
    Conrad

  15. #15

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bish View Post
    When she makes suggestions, just nod and agree.

    Then play it the way you want to.
    That's what I've been doing.

  16. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by CB700 View Post
    fpmr96a I have an email from an online drumming page. I can forward you the email. There is an article on dealing with singers drop me a pm here with your email address and froward it to you.
    I tried to PM you, but I don't have enough posts to create a PM yet. Please PM me, if possible.

    Thanks,
    Sam

  17. #17

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ricardo View Post
    You started the band;
    You recruited her;
    They all use your house as the studio;
    To me, that is a very strong position to ask the question, "What do I need to do to make this work ?"
    Because, CLEARLY................you have made large contributions to build this entity.
    I would ask her that exact question -- at a rehearsal in front of the entire band -- when she brings this up again the next time..................put it in the context of an option:
    Be very respectful but honest -- "Perhaps I need to move on to something else if the band feels like I'm not the right fit."
    I'm expecting to eventually ask that question. Hoping it's not after she's pushed me over the edge and blow my top while doing so. If I quit, I wanted to do so while remaining friendly with the others, as I really like them and hope to play in other bands with them in the future.

  18. #18

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    Quote Originally Posted by slinky View Post
    How does her backside look? If she's good just laugh it off... .
    Pretty good. I should just start laughing, but I've let it bother me. I'm usually my harshest critic, and a few times I was very happy with the way I played something and she'd start in with her silly suggestions.

  19. #19

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    When there is dissension among the troops, it never really goes away.

    I've mentioned the husband/wife band I was in. It was the 2nd best band I was ever in, but we knew that the explosion was coming.

    You and her may reach a truce, but real peace is probably never going to happen.
    YOU MESS WITH THE DEVIL YOU KNOW.

    YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE DEVIL YOU DON'T KNOW.

    VAE VICTIS

    ONCE YOU HIT A CERTAIN AGE, YOU BECOME PERMANENTLY UNIMPRESSED BY A LOT OF CRAP.

    I HIT THAT AGE 20 YEARS AGO.

    IF DOGS CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN, I WANT TO GO WHERE THEY GO

    WILL ROGERS

  20. #20

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    Sam sent a pm
    Conrad

  21. #21

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    Should I Quit Band Due to Constant Critiques By Singer?

    Yes. You're supposed to be having fun. Life's too short.

  22. #22

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    Quote Originally Posted by fpmr96a View Post
    If I quit, I wanted to do so while remaining friendly with the others, as I really like them and hope to play in other bands with them in the future.
    Here’s a thought; it’s your ball, your bat and your field. You recruited HER...so before you quit, maybe she should be the one to move on(?)

    Quote Originally Posted by fpmr96a View Post
    Pretty good. I should just start laughing, but I've let it bother me. I'm usually my harshest critic, and a few times I was very happy with the way I played something and she'd start in with her silly suggestions.
    I don’t know the ages of everyone involved, but it kinda sounds like she may possibly have the hots for you?
    -Brian

    "Too many crappy used drum stuff to list"

    Play the SONG......not the DRUMS!!!

    "I think that feeling is a lot more important than technique. It's all very well doing a triple paradiddle - but who's going to know you've done it? If you play technically you sound like everybody else. It's being original that counts." ~ John Bonham

  23. #23

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    "I don’t know the ages of everyone involved, but it kinda sounds like she may possibly have the hots for you?"

    Brian, is there a whole post that I missed because I'm wondering where, exactly, did you get that idea.

    If she said, " I love how you play, I love how you hit every fill perfectly, I love how you begin and end songs, and I love how cute you look sitting there between songs." Then, and only then, would I think that she might like him and he should bring his drums, a mattress, and a bottle of wine.

    You are usually so right on so many things, BUT, this time I think you missed the off ramp.............................................. ...by a state.
    YOU MESS WITH THE DEVIL YOU KNOW.

    YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE DEVIL YOU DON'T KNOW.

    VAE VICTIS

    ONCE YOU HIT A CERTAIN AGE, YOU BECOME PERMANENTLY UNIMPRESSED BY A LOT OF CRAP.

    I HIT THAT AGE 20 YEARS AGO.

    IF DOGS CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN, I WANT TO GO WHERE THEY GO

    WILL ROGERS

  24. #24

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    Heck! I thought that was just normal. Aren't musicians supposed to tell drummers what to do?

    Whole different thing if she was the star and she hired you but if it's your band and she's a hired gun so to speak, just let if roll off as being a personality glitch on her part. Keep drumming they way you drum and smile a lot.

    all the best...

  25. #25

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    Quote Originally Posted by rickthedrummer View Post
    "I don’t know the ages of everyone involved, but it kinda sounds like she may possibly have the hots for you?"

    Brian, is there a whole post that I missed because I'm wondering where, exactly, did you get that idea.

    If she said, " I love how you play, I love how you hit every fill perfectly, I love how you begin and end songs, and I love how cute you look sitting there between songs." Then, and only then, would I think that she might like him and he should bring his drums, a mattress, and a bottle of wine.

    You are usually so right on so many things, BUT, this time I think you missed the off ramp.............................................. ...by a state.
    I could definitely be off on that assessment, Rick. But...when I first read his comment about how he felt he played well and she immediately started critiquing him.....it almost sound like an attention getting ploy that someone with undeveloped social and emotional skills would use. It’s not a huge stretch to think that a young lead singer would be lacking in social & emotional skills, LOL. I know on the surface, her reactions are the logical opposite...but men are from Mars and women are from a perpendicular dimension. You know better than I do....male logic does not apply to female actions or feelings, LOL.

    OR, it could be that I’ve been watching (or forced to watch) too many of my wife’s Victorian British Romance movies....
    -Brian

    "Too many crappy used drum stuff to list"

    Play the SONG......not the DRUMS!!!

    "I think that feeling is a lot more important than technique. It's all very well doing a triple paradiddle - but who's going to know you've done it? If you play technically you sound like everybody else. It's being original that counts." ~ John Bonham

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