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Thread: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

  1. #1

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    Default Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer



    Well...it's a trade secret, but we're all drummers here...so I guess it's cool to let you all in on it.

    These steps CANNOT BE TAKEN IN RANDOM ORDER...precise order is the key Lads n' Ladies!

    First I clap my hands twice...like so *Clap* *Clap*, then I snap my fingers thrice, *snap* *snap* *snap* and then slap my forehead with the metal hand sign...thus ....and it HAS TO BE in the form of a salute....preferably a U.S. Navy. Air Force, Marines, Army, etc etc etc... crisply snappped salute....and then he is mine to control.

    "NO...NO NO NO...the BIG cymbal goes on the BIG cymbal side....ok?...and the little cymbals go on the little cymbals gimbals.....GOT IT???"

    *sigh*.......They take a while to train.....you MUST NEEDS be patient with them....for it is their destiny to obey their drummer once this ritual is gotten right....

    This WILL NOT....I repeat WILL NOT....work with female lead singers....they are ever-safe from the DRUMMER-CAUSES-LEAD SINGER-TO-LOAD-THEIR-STUFF-FOREVER AND EVER-SPELL.

    BEWARE!!! If you even look at a female lead singer with the slightest INTENTION of bending them to your will as a roadie, they will espy your minds-eye and Slap you into next week..or into the next millennia, whichever they decide....without pay, without food, and they CAN bend YOU to their will as a roadie, AT WILL....but of the secret method they use to do this, I do not know.

    Seemingly it is an 'at my will' look, or mayhaps it is just a simple flick of the feminine wrist....I've seen it happen many a time....but of their cunning method I know not.

    You CAN ward against this catastophic mind-bend....but it takes much holy water, burning of candles from 3 ends, and standing on your hands, upside down in front of 10 mirrors for precisesly 103.7625 minutes, (I found this out by much trial and error, young ones)...but ere this warding away of the Female-lead-singers-will-forever-and-ever-to-make-you-her-equipment-purse-hat-gloves-microphone-PA System-snack-drink-TV remote-beck-and-call-for-anything-slave-drummer is only good each time it is performed.

    In other words.......It must be repeated before each performance....and....*Gasp*...rehearsal....other-wise she can entrap you un-awares, and make you HER roadie forever and ever....and drummers are especially vulnerable.....and do your utmost to stay away from jewelry shops ere you might find yourself looking at *GASP* becoming totally ensnared for LIFE with her....Betrothal/wedding Rings, jewels,house, cars, babies......

    Male lead singers are a snap...just follow the simple steps above, and it shall be as I have decreed....and it only takes one time to enslave your lead singer forever and ever.....Easy as 1-2-3.

    AND.....(And this is the really good part).....it can NEVER be reversed....not even by you.....the drummer.....except if you and YOU ALONE fire him, it will be reversed 6 months-to-the-day and you will be rid of him.....normally, though, once a male lead singer is entrapped, he will remain a drummers gofer for all time...you,....or whatever drummer his next band has, and the next, and the next, and the next.... be they male or female drummers, for thus it is so.

    Be prepared that for AT LEAST 6 months your lead singer will be forever wanting to tote your gear. *sigh*...This is normal and is allowable, however, to completely rid yourself of this person, the less attention you give him, the faster he will begone.

    AND.... for that 6 months, if you have played your cards right, you will have TWO lead singers hauling your gear hither and yon....the old and the new....remember never to try to influence a FEMALE lead singer, 'else you'll ALL be bent to HER will....ex lead singer and new singer and drummer....for it is written....And bands have been known to implode from this effect.

    Too.....there is this....I've seen female drummers just press the wrist *so* or roll their eyes just so....and ALL male members in the band become enslaved forever and ever to her slightest wish....no clapping, no snapping, no salute.


    I have no knowledge as how to avoid this......or how this works in an all-female band I know not...

    As to androgenous gendered bands like The NY Dolls or Marylyn Manson, I have not the slightest clue......nor do I wish the enlightenment hitherto........

    :^(





    :^)
    Last edited by Destroyer; 12-07-2008 at 03:07 AM.

  2. #2

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    Awesom!!

    How do I make the sound guy swallow his tongue and die after I've told him three times to take the keys out of my mix?

  3. #3

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    Ha! This is great!!!! I'm gonna try to entrap my lead singer now

  4. #4

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    I have certainly noticed just how easily females of any group seem to create grateful roadies out of the men!
    Quoting gonefishin: Just have some bacon with ya when you go pick her up..........youre an instant chick magnet.





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  5. #5

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    Cool Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    Does this work for hand drummers too, Destroyer? Tell me more, bro'! Great guide!!!
    keep the beat goin' ... Don't keep it to yourself!

    Charlie

    "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." --Henry David Thoreau, "Walden," 1854

    "There's a lot to be said for Time Honored tradition and value." --In memory of Frank "fiacovaz" Iacovazzi

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  6. #6

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    Quote Originally Posted by Destroyer View Post


    Well...it's a trade secret, but we're all drummers here...so I guess it's cool to let you all in on it.

    These steps CANNOT BE TAKEN IN RANDOM ORDER...precise order is the key Lads n' Ladies!

    First I clap my hands twice...like so *Clap* *Clap*, then I snap my fingers thrice, *snap* *snap* *snap* and then slap my forehead with the metal hand sign...thus ....and it HAS TO BE in the form of a salute....preferably a U.S. Navy. Air Force, Marines, Army, etc etc etc... crisply snappped salute....and then he is mine to control.

    "NO...NO NO NO...the BIG cymbal goes on the BIG cymbal side....ok?...and the little cymbals go on the little cymbals gimbals.....GOT IT???"

    *sigh*.......They take a while to train.....you MUST NEEDS be patient with them....for it is their destiny to obey their drummer once this ritual is gotten right....

    This WILL NOT....I repeat WILL NOT....work with female lead singers....they are ever-safe from the DRUMMER-CAUSES-LEAD SINGER-TO-LOAD-THEIR-STUFF-FOREVER AND EVER-SPELL.

    BEWARE!!! If you even look at a female lead singer with the slightest INTENTION of bending them to your will as a roadie, they will espy your minds-eye and Slap you into next week..or into the next millennia, whichever they decide....without pay, without food, and they CAN bend YOU to their will as a roadie, AT WILL....but of the secret method they use to do this, I do not know.

    Seemingly it is an 'at my will' look, or mayhaps it is just a simple flick of the feminine wrist....I've seen it happen many a time....but of their cunning method I know not.

    You CAN ward against this catastophic mind-bend....but it takes much holy water, burning of candles from 3 ends, and standing on your hands, upside down in front of 10 mirrors for precisesly 103.7625 minutes, (I found this out by much trial and error, young ones)...but ere this warding away of the Female-lead-singers-will-forever-and-ever-to-make-you-her-equipment-purse-hat-gloves-microphone-PA System-snack-drink-TV remote-beck-and-call-for-anything-slave-drummer is only good each time it is performed.

    In other words.......It must be repeated before each performance....and....*Gasp*...rehearsal....other-wise she can entrap you un-awares, and make you HER roadie forever and ever....and drummers are especially vulnerable.....and do your utmost to stay away from jewelry shops ere you might find yourself looking at *GASP* becoming totally ensnared for LIFE with her....Betrothal/wedding Rings, jewels,house, cars, babies......

    Male lead singers are a snap...just follow the simple steps above, and it shall be as I have decreed....and it only takes one time to enslave your lead singer forever and ever.....Easy as 1-2-3.

    AND.....(And this is the really good part).....it can NEVER be reversed....not even by you.....the drummer.....except if you and YOU ALONE fire him, it will be reversed 6 months-to-the-day and you will be rid of him.....normally, though, once a male lead singer is entrapped, he will remain a drummers gofer for all time...you,....or whatever drummer his next band has, and the next, and the next, and the next.... be they male or female drummers, for thus it is so.

    Be prepared that for AT LEAST 6 months your lead singer will be forever wanting to tote your gear. *sigh*...This is normal and is allowable, however, to completely rid yourself of this person, the less attention you give him, the faster he will begone.

    AND.... for that 6 months, if you have played your cards right, you will have TWO lead singers hauling your gear hither and yon....the old and the new....remember never to try to influence a FEMALE lead singer, 'else you'll ALL be bent to HER will....ex lead singer and new singer and drummer....for it is written....And bands have been known to implode from this effect.

    Too.....there is this....I've seen female drummers just press the wrist *so* or roll their eyes just so....and ALL male members in the band become enslaved forever and ever to her slightest wish....no clapping, no snapping, no salute.


    I have no knowledge as how to avoid this......or how this works in an all-female band I know not...

    As to androgenous gendered bands like The NY Dolls or Marylyn Manson, I have not the slightest clue......nor do I wish the enlightenment hitherto........:^(





    :^)
    HOLA COMO ESTAS MI AMIGO DESTROYER**CREATIVE ARTISTIC
    OPEN MINDED DRUMMER ARTIST(CAT) within Great aware-ness WISDOM KNOWLEDGE THE LUDWIG *KING-CAT) EXCELLENTE amigo ROJO CALIENTE
    GRACIAS

  7. #7

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    Quote Originally Posted by bongobro View Post
    Does this work for hand drummers too, Destroyer? Tell me more, bro'! Great guide!!!
    Oh Yes, it will work for you. PLUS if you only have a few drums, stands etc, you CAN train your lead singer to set up a mic or two, but you have to watch them closely because they like to chew on wires and bite the pointy end of the drumstick and lose you drum tuning key and turn weird stuff with the drum key, or stuff you don't want turned, like de-tuning your drum heads, and play with things that rattle, like tambourines, etc...and don't let him near your bongos, and conga's and drums like that with a drum stick because they like to make little dents in hand drums by hitting them with the stick...and that would never do.

    Too, I would NEVER let the lead singer set up your chimes and other nice tinkly-sounding toys, because it will make him stare at these pretty-sounding shiny things with his head at an angle like a puppy, and forget the stuff you REALLY want done, like set up your drums and run get you a soda pop or candy bar.

    They're pretty good at that, but they like to disappear too, so you can't let them out of sight when there's stuff you want them to set up...so it's better to let the lead singer set up your gear, THEN send him to get your snack and drink.

    We all know it's thirsty work training the lead singer, so it's good to have a little something to eat and drink while watching him work so diligently and tirelessly for YOU, the DRUMMER.

    Yes Bongobro, this will work for you perfectly as well.
    Last edited by Destroyer; 12-04-2008 at 02:35 AM.

  8. #8

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    Definitely great advice, and worth trying out Destroyer!!

    I've noticed those female lead singers can be mighty tricky!!
    ****************************************
    Why do psychics have to ask you your name? And how come you never heard of a psychic winning the lottery?
    ****************************************
    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  9. #9

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    You should put up the second installment, the response to my question about the technique not working for me.

    This is comedic gold, by the way.

  10. #10

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    My band has a female singer. I the bass player gets to roadie! I have to help out my rhythm brother!

  11. #11

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    Quote Originally Posted by bassist learning drums View Post
    My band has a female singer. I the bass player gets to roadie! I have to help out my rhythm brother!
    HOLA como estas Mi amigo BASSIST LEARNING DRUMS CREATIVE
    ARTISTIC OPEN MINDED BASIST/////DRUMMER (GATO) within alot of aware-ness WISDOM KNOWLEDGE **AND YOU LOVE IT amigo **GRACIAS

  12. #12

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    STICKS has this down for sure.....I'm betting he has at least 3 very attractive female roadies.
    ****************************************
    Why do psychics have to ask you your name? And how come you never heard of a psychic winning the lottery?
    ****************************************
    Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  13. #13

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    haha awesome
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  14. #14

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    Quote Originally Posted by Norske View Post
    STICKS has this down for sure.....I'm betting he has at least 3 very attractive female roadies.
    HOLA como estas NORSKE Mi amigo CREATIVE ARTISTIC OPEN MINDED DRUMMER ARTIST(CAT) within GRET AWARE-NESS WISDOM KNOWLEDGE OH the secret is NOW OUT and you would LOVE TO MEET
    THESE ROJJO CALIENTE ROADIES *GRACIAS

  15. #15

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    Quote Originally Posted by keysanddrums View Post
    You should put up the second installment, the response to my question about the technique not working for me.

    This is comedic gold, by the way.
    Sure, anything for a fellow drummer...keysanddrums...This was your question...

    Originally Posted by keysanddrums View Post
    "Destroyer, I tried to enslave my male lead singer, but he just stared and looked at me funny. Did I do something wrong? Is my lead singer really female? Does it work on guitarists/bassists as well?
    And that is an awesome bass drum. The rest of the set is cool too, but especially the bass drum."

    Hmmmm....

    Did he sneak around behind your back and read my thread? If so, it might have alerted him. Though slow to realize the deeper realities of higher planes of consciousness like we drummers, lead singers, if alerted to the fact, CAN numbly feel when this spell is cast....normally though, they have no clue. If your lead singer is especially dense, you may have to repeat these steps a couple of times.

    Try again tomorrow, or whenever you next meet. Also you must use this saluteholding your fingers in the 'horn' display, but with the thumb tucked UNDER your folded fingers rather than ON TOP of them, and do so in a military manner. Crisp. Very Crisp Lad!

    So it's clap twice, snap thrice, then salute crisply.

    I've never tried it on a bass player or guitarist or keyboardist. I imagine it would work, but I have mercy on them because they have tons of HEAVY stuff to lug around and set up which I don't touch because they like everything just so...., plus they make my mics and mixer work with the TERRIBLY HEAVY main PA cabinets and thousands of wires that go every which way , which I also don't touch or lug round....because I have my OWN stuff to set up PLUS make sure my LEAD SINGER-IN-TRAINING can correctly and properly place my cymbals, get my rack set up, pull out my stands and set them up, (but he doesn't know how to set the the correct height yet GRRR!) Sometimes when I get mad at something he did wrong, I'll have him help the other guys with the TERRIBLY HEAVY PA stuff to punish him until I cool off enough to set another simple task that is within the parameters of his training level.

    Maybe I can instruct him in the ways of bass drum pedal set-up, we'll see. I highly doubt it though.... There IS that issue of connecting the double pedal with the set screws, and that might be above his training level...we'll see how he fares.

    Soooo. No, I don't have mercy on my lead singer because if I'm not careful and become lax on my training, he might tend to snap back into the "LAZY WAY" and that just wouldn't do at all....The lead singer is usually the lazy one that just wants to saunter out on stage and not be seen lugging stuff or putting anything together, except MAYBE their own microphone, but I've seen even that teeny tiny bit of work done by the other band members, and this, in my estimation, is foolish to let them get away with...

    And then they try to escape work by leaving at the end of the gig to go home......when no one is looking, I might add. Taking their car keys sneakily will work only about half the time because they can just schmooze a ride home from a girl in the audience. OH yes! It's a fact! SHAMEFUL!

    And that is why I have to keep a sharp lookout to make sure my lead singer always has something to do around my kit.

    Next week I am starting him on the 'CORRECT WAY TO POLISH DRUMS' and I think he will be amazingly good at this small piddling task.

    The main thing to remember in TRAINING YOUR LEAD SINGER TO PERFORM SIMPLE TASKS is to keep their little devious minds and hands busy around the drum kit.

    And don't try to make them multi-task. They are horrible at it and they WILL mess something up or forget something....like where they mis-layed the drum tuning key...one of the reasons I keep one in my pocket and the other one on a chain. The one on the chain is so he can spot it easily when he mislays it, or just wear it around his neck to remind himself where it is.

    THAT'S why I'm hesitant at training him in the WAYS OF THE BASS DRUM DOUBLE PEDAL, because sure as the sun rises and sets, he'll use the drum key to turn other stuff I don't want him to turn, like my snare or tom head tuning lugs. He's fascinated with the little square hole in the end of it....I saw him trying it on the guitar players tuning knobs on the neck of the instrument, and the silly goose must have sat there an HOUR trying to figure out how the drum key works on the guitar tuning knob....And that will NEVER do to have him mess THAT up, because then the guitar player's guitar would be all fouled up and out of tune because YOU, the DRUMMER, let the singer loose with a dangerous tool, and then the guitar player will get mad and throw stuff around and yell...they seem to like to do that, I've noticed..

    Lead singers like to play with the drum key and lose it and turn weird stuff, so you have to keep a sharp eye out that something you DON'T want turned WILL get turned.

    And NEVER EVER EVER let the lead singer change a light bulb with the key in his hand, because sure as we're all standing here, he WILL try to fit the key down into the live electrical socket, and that would never do...unless you want a lead singer with REALLY wild hair that drools.

    And then the drummer would have to fire the singer and everyone has to look for a new one, and you don't want a wild-haired lead singer walking around drooling on your stuff while the 6 month spell slowly disappears, because you still will have him PLUS the new lead singer carrying your stuff and setting things up, if you spell-bind your new lead singer correctly.

    So keep a close wary eye on your SINGER-IN-TRAINING, keep a spare key in your pocket, and don't let them touch your drumsticks, because I've also noticed they like to hit stuff and bite the pointy end of the stick. Why they do this, I do not know.
    Last edited by Destroyer; 12-07-2008 at 03:18 AM.

  16. #16
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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    cANT WAIT TILL DRUM CHICK SEES THIS LOL OUCH OUCH OUCH

  17. #17

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    Default Re: Hookmeisters Universal Guide To Entraping Your Lead Singer

    Absolutly classic destroyer.....can't wait to try it....

    I have four singers in my band....only one female....I may never have to lug anything ever again.....thanks brother!!!
    ...I am not seeing things as they are....I am seeing things as I am....

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